1. Read the bible on a regular basis. I'm still not consistent.
2. Go to the gym on a regular basis. I've noticed major improvements in energy level, health, and body appearance in the past 6 months... this is my motivation! (Glad that finding pictures of skinny girls never worked!)
3. Read more books. The last book I finished was 3 years ago!
4. Learn how to love and genuinely care for others. I believe this will be a life-long pursuit/prayer.
5. Continue to have a kingdom vision
Monday, January 2, 2012
Sunday, January 1, 2012
Recap of 2011
2011 was an interesting year for me. It definitely was a year where the Lord began to transform my heart and open my eyes in a radical way. I don't usually sit down and blog so my way of recording my life in through my planner. I usually write down every little thing I do so when I look back (and wonder where did all the time go), I can see exactly how I spent my time. As I flip through my planner, there are things I totally forgot about and there are little things I recorded where I remember exactly how I felt at that moment. Bear with me when I write out little events that seem like they don't really matter. I'm just trying to process my year/see how the Lord changed my heart day by day.
January 1- During winter break, I went home to Tulsa. I remember I got in an argument with my parents on new years eve and drove to Norman. I think I was angry that we never spent time as a family anymore. I remember writing my mom a long text explaining why I left. All I remember saying is saying that I wanted to surround myself with people who actually cared about me and wanted to build me up in my walk with God (? What was I thinking!). David was also going to Norman that night because Winter Conference was that week, so I told him to wait for me so I could follow behind him. Although I wanted to spend time with David, it didn't work out that way because he had to leave. With 3 weeks of break left, and alone in Norman, my heart was anxious. David was only leaving for a few days, but all I could think about was, "What in the world am I going to do without David?" I believe I spent the entire break watching all 5 seasons of "Say Yes to the Dress" on Netflix.
On New Years day, I was feeling lonely. I was on Facebook and Greg Wilson started to facebook chat with me. I told him I was bored and he invited me to go to Starbucks where he, his sister, her fiance, and a friend were hanging out. I felt a little weird hanging out with people I didn't know, but I was desperate to get out. It was an enjoyable time. Greg's sister and fiance were finding the perfect font for their wedding invitations. It was pretty intense.
January 13- Went to meet the advisor at Price and found out I made it into the Entrepreneurship program. I also went to the health department and got my food handler's permit.
January 14- David and I went to Anthology. I'm going to admit it. I was really attached to David. The reason why I decided to go last minute was because I wanted to be with him and that I didn't want to spend another 3-4 days by myself... Although I knew he would rather spend most of his time with his friends rather than with me. Something weird was going on inside my heart at this time. I was faced with the fear of being alone- not a fear for being along for the rest of my life, but for the current moment. Overall it went well.
January 17- Sushi Buffet with David. It was a wonderful day.... and painful.
January 23- Met up with Grace Kim and talked about biblical community. She told me her desire to be in a bible study, and she went a few times over the course of the semester. I feel horrible for not keeping in touch with her. She reached out to me and I feel like I failed.
January 26- My 21st Birthday. David took me to Cheesecake Factory and I legally had my first martini... I believe it was asian pear.
February 6- Super Bowl Party at Carol's. I wasn't really into football, so I just did my homework in Carol's room. This was the first time I realized I was starting to become more motivated with school.
February 13- Went to Red Lobster with David. It was my first time there! David and I also made a list of life goals together.
February 17- I had lunch with Jennifer Peck at Tea Cafe and talked about what it looked like start a private flute studio. Every time I talk to her, she always says something that permanently sticks to my head. Some quotes I remember are, "Always teach excellence (on utilizing your full potential as a musician)" and "If God has given you a gift, he will remain faithful (on my insecurities as a musician)."
February 18- Two year anniversary with David. David took me to Spaghetti Warehouse and took me to lake Hefner, sang me a song, and gave me a promise ring. It was suppose to be the night he was going to propose. The time leading up to that day, I was ok with him not proposing. I recognized my idolatry with marriage and stopped becoming so obsessed. I remember telling my bible study girls that I was completely at peace with David not proposing. Yet, I remember feeling really weird that night. I don't know what it was exactly, but I was uncomfortable... there was a heaviness in my heart.
February 23- AASA Live Music Night. David and I prepared "The Way I am," "Droplets," and "Terrified." I was surprised when a whole crowd of ppl came and sat through the entire set mesmerized. I could tell the entire room was focused on the music. To this day I still don't know why people think I'm good at singing/ music in general. I'm just okay. I loved the response though. I love seeing that look on a person's face when they've just heard music that leaves them dumbfounded. Still can't believe I contributed to that.
March 6- Sarah's Bridal Shower. By this time, the sin in my life was building up to the point where my soul couldn't bear the weight. I remember staring at everyone and seeing the excitement and sense of wonder in the room.... the innocence. Could this innocence be possible with me when it's my turn? Where sex was still a wonder, a mystery.... After the shower, I sat in my car and cried.
March 10- D-time with Anna. I remember this meeting with Anna because it was soon after Sarah's Shower. I told Anna how worthless I felt. How I longed for my own wedding night to be special. How is wished the innocence was restored. I cried so hard in that moment. I couldn't speak. I felt so far beyond forgiveness, beyond God's grace. Satan took every opportunity to keep me down. Anna told me,"It doesn't matter whether it's your first time having sex, or if you've done it a million times before, you're still celebrating something on your wedding night- and that's not a cop-out answer." This was one of the best discipleship moments I've ever had. Satan takes, but the Lord rescues, redeems, and restores.
March 27- David and I broke up. The sin in our lives go to the point where it had to be put to death. Neither of us wanted to break up, but a month before the break up happened, I was crying almost everyday non-stop from the sin in our relationship. To this day I can say that although the break up was hard, I cried more while I was in the relationship than when I got out. It wasn't because of how David treated me, it was because of sin. We could have tried to make it work out, but the Lord would not allow it.
April 5- Lunch with Courtney. I've always been fascinated with the insights Courtney has on the Lord and His word. Our dating situation was (still is) very similar, which is crazy.
June 14- A really bad storm hit Norman and the carpet in my room got flooded. I couldn't go home to Tulsa because I was taking summer classes at OCCC.
June 19- Crashed at Anna's. I got off work and asked Anna if I could spend the night because my room started to smell of mold from my flooded carpet. Maintenance took their sweet time taking care of it. After work I needed some time to waste because Anna wouldn't be home until 7:30pm. I got taco bell and went into a parking lot to eat. I remember being really lonely. I decided to call my dad because it was father's day... He didn't answer. Glad he didn't because while the phone was ringing, I already started crying (it was a combination of my apartment being inhabitable, realizing my dependency on David, and recovering from the hurtful phone calls from David's brother-in-law).
June 20- Started working out for Lizzy's wedding. Since I was currently homeless, I would try to find ways to waste time. I was crashing at Carol's place but she wouldn't be home until 7:30pm.
July 7- Stomach Virus!! started Thursday morning and I drove all the way to OCCC to go to class! It was the worst drive of my life. I drove back to Tulsa because I wanted to babysit Ezra, plus I didn't want to be at my apartment (still smelled like mold).
July 29- Family drove to Tennessee for a family reunion. Also where Sala would come back and live with us. Thankfully my class ended so I was in Tulsa for a while.
August 9-20- Left for Milwaukee. The two weeks of my life I was looking forward to the most. Had some one-on-one chats with Lizzy and cried every single time. Definitely had some worth issues. If the Lord wanted David and I to split permanently, I couldn't imagine why another man would want to be with me. Lizzy told me that I had to also forgive myself... which is something I totally forgot to do.
August 24- school started up again and I went to Cru that night and saw David for the first time in 2 1/2 months (it was the longest time we've been without each other). First time I saw him, I felt like I was seeing an old friend again. No bitterness, no love-y emotions flooding back, just peace. But it wasn't mutual with David, he was avoiding me and it really hurt/ confused me.
August 21- Things start to get scary. I had another guy pursuing me for marriage and I had a hard time deciding what to do. I had someone who seriously wanted to marry me, but I wanted to be with David. Yet, David was avoiding me and wasn't the one pursuing me so I couldn't act like he was an option. For 2 weeks, I was so stressed that I couldn't even pray when I tried. My prayers would consist of three words, "Lord, my heart..." Later on it got easier to see where the Lord was leading me. My "suitor" and I didn't align with the same convictions.
August 26- Leadership retreat.
September 3- I started working on Saturday nights. At first I thought it was the worst shift ever, but I learned to like it. One night the chef asked me whether or not I liked my Saturday night shifts. I joked that it helped soothe those lonely nights. We both laughed about it, but that was the reason why I liked working. At least I wasn't alone in my room, remembering and crying about my past.
September 8- David and I met up to talk. It was right before he was going to leave for San Francisco. I brought up topics from our past because I kinda forgot why we broke up in the first place. It didn't end too well. I was left feeling extremely confused and unsettled. I didn't realize it then, but I was probably trying to control our situation. I was hoping that maybe after we talked, David would realize marriage was the right thing to do at that moment. Obviously I failed. That night I surrendered my control. We later talked it out and cleared the air before he left. Two days later he meet up with me at the Huff and said good-bye to me.
September 13- Still feeling a heaviness in my heart with my last in-person conversation with David. I had no idea what God was doing. Before studio, Jennifer Peck asked me how I was doing. I told her my situation and what was going on inside my heart. Once again she spoke truth in my life and it impacted me so much, I wrote them down on bright pink sticky notes to put in my planner so I wouldn't forget. She said three things:
1.Just because God says "no" now, don't take it as denial. There is an appointed time for everything under heaven
2. God can change a person faster than you can
3. God cares about your marriage more than you do.
September 20- After Dark. I don't usually go out, but for once I wanted to do what college kids do.
October 5- Phil Wickham!One of the best worship experiences ever.
October 9- Passages Bible Exhibition. It was a really rainy day this day, but it was a great date with myself. Around this time I started to enjoy spending time by myself.
October 14- Fall Retreat. I hate Retreats. Long nights, early mornings, and always hungry. But I went because I'd rather look back and know that I spent my time wisely.
October 22- Lilia's Funeral. God opened my eyes to what it means to live a full life. Whether I live for one more day or whether I live for 60 more years, in the end, my life on earth is complete because I get Him. That was also the night I had some questions that still weren't answered and I texted David. He called me later on at 11pm and we talked until 3am. I enjoyed it, but noticed it was extremely weird for us to be talking that long and that late.
October 31- Initiated a talk with David on his intentions for talking to me so much lately. He told me he would like to start pursuing me again for the possibility of marriage in the near future. I spent almost 5 months trying to accept the fact that I may never have a chance with him ever again, so switching to the possibility of marrying him soon was something I had to think about. It's crazy because I was at the point where I finally accepted the possibility of me being single for the next 5 years. I told the Lord, "Lord, if your plan for me is to be single for 2-5 more years and that looks like me living in Tulsa with my parents, then so be it." I had to plan for my life after college because graduation was just around the block. I was going to open a bakery/cafe for my mom and I. I guess the Lord had other things in mind. The next day I told David he could pursue me. :)
November 5- my first earthquake! A small fraction of God's great power.
December 2- my Senior Recital! The entire semester leading up to my recital, I was freaking out. I was so insecure in my abilities as a musician, but I pulled through! I can't believe I did it. So many people I knew came, I felt really loved. Bible study girls, my family, and College life family. Thank God for good friends!
December 25- Christmas program at church
December 31- New years eve party at my place. Hung out with Kou, Mary, and Tim. Went to a nerdy card store and felt lame! :P
Major things God revealed to me this year:
- Once we belong to Him, He will never let us go
- In our darkest hour, he meets us there. Those are the nights we are held.
- At the end of it all, life is made complete because we get Him. Nothing else.
- Through the blood of Christ, I am pure, washed clean.(finally believed it in my heart)
- God is glorified when I do not remain in shame.
- God's perfect timing is obvious. Everything starts falling into place without my efforts.
- God is sovereign.(even when I step in and mess everything up)
- All we have to do is surrender.
- God is faithful. Always. He hasn't failed me yet.
January 1- During winter break, I went home to Tulsa. I remember I got in an argument with my parents on new years eve and drove to Norman. I think I was angry that we never spent time as a family anymore. I remember writing my mom a long text explaining why I left. All I remember saying is saying that I wanted to surround myself with people who actually cared about me and wanted to build me up in my walk with God (? What was I thinking!). David was also going to Norman that night because Winter Conference was that week, so I told him to wait for me so I could follow behind him. Although I wanted to spend time with David, it didn't work out that way because he had to leave. With 3 weeks of break left, and alone in Norman, my heart was anxious. David was only leaving for a few days, but all I could think about was, "What in the world am I going to do without David?" I believe I spent the entire break watching all 5 seasons of "Say Yes to the Dress" on Netflix.
On New Years day, I was feeling lonely. I was on Facebook and Greg Wilson started to facebook chat with me. I told him I was bored and he invited me to go to Starbucks where he, his sister, her fiance, and a friend were hanging out. I felt a little weird hanging out with people I didn't know, but I was desperate to get out. It was an enjoyable time. Greg's sister and fiance were finding the perfect font for their wedding invitations. It was pretty intense.
January 13- Went to meet the advisor at Price and found out I made it into the Entrepreneurship program. I also went to the health department and got my food handler's permit.
January 14- David and I went to Anthology. I'm going to admit it. I was really attached to David. The reason why I decided to go last minute was because I wanted to be with him and that I didn't want to spend another 3-4 days by myself... Although I knew he would rather spend most of his time with his friends rather than with me. Something weird was going on inside my heart at this time. I was faced with the fear of being alone- not a fear for being along for the rest of my life, but for the current moment. Overall it went well.
January 17- Sushi Buffet with David. It was a wonderful day.... and painful.
January 23- Met up with Grace Kim and talked about biblical community. She told me her desire to be in a bible study, and she went a few times over the course of the semester. I feel horrible for not keeping in touch with her. She reached out to me and I feel like I failed.
January 26- My 21st Birthday. David took me to Cheesecake Factory and I legally had my first martini... I believe it was asian pear.
February 6- Super Bowl Party at Carol's. I wasn't really into football, so I just did my homework in Carol's room. This was the first time I realized I was starting to become more motivated with school.
February 13- Went to Red Lobster with David. It was my first time there! David and I also made a list of life goals together.
February 17- I had lunch with Jennifer Peck at Tea Cafe and talked about what it looked like start a private flute studio. Every time I talk to her, she always says something that permanently sticks to my head. Some quotes I remember are, "Always teach excellence (on utilizing your full potential as a musician)" and "If God has given you a gift, he will remain faithful (on my insecurities as a musician)."
February 18- Two year anniversary with David. David took me to Spaghetti Warehouse and took me to lake Hefner, sang me a song, and gave me a promise ring. It was suppose to be the night he was going to propose. The time leading up to that day, I was ok with him not proposing. I recognized my idolatry with marriage and stopped becoming so obsessed. I remember telling my bible study girls that I was completely at peace with David not proposing. Yet, I remember feeling really weird that night. I don't know what it was exactly, but I was uncomfortable... there was a heaviness in my heart.
February 23- AASA Live Music Night. David and I prepared "The Way I am," "Droplets," and "Terrified." I was surprised when a whole crowd of ppl came and sat through the entire set mesmerized. I could tell the entire room was focused on the music. To this day I still don't know why people think I'm good at singing/ music in general. I'm just okay. I loved the response though. I love seeing that look on a person's face when they've just heard music that leaves them dumbfounded. Still can't believe I contributed to that.
March 6- Sarah's Bridal Shower. By this time, the sin in my life was building up to the point where my soul couldn't bear the weight. I remember staring at everyone and seeing the excitement and sense of wonder in the room.... the innocence. Could this innocence be possible with me when it's my turn? Where sex was still a wonder, a mystery.... After the shower, I sat in my car and cried.
March 10- D-time with Anna. I remember this meeting with Anna because it was soon after Sarah's Shower. I told Anna how worthless I felt. How I longed for my own wedding night to be special. How is wished the innocence was restored. I cried so hard in that moment. I couldn't speak. I felt so far beyond forgiveness, beyond God's grace. Satan took every opportunity to keep me down. Anna told me,"It doesn't matter whether it's your first time having sex, or if you've done it a million times before, you're still celebrating something on your wedding night- and that's not a cop-out answer." This was one of the best discipleship moments I've ever had. Satan takes, but the Lord rescues, redeems, and restores.
March 27- David and I broke up. The sin in our lives go to the point where it had to be put to death. Neither of us wanted to break up, but a month before the break up happened, I was crying almost everyday non-stop from the sin in our relationship. To this day I can say that although the break up was hard, I cried more while I was in the relationship than when I got out. It wasn't because of how David treated me, it was because of sin. We could have tried to make it work out, but the Lord would not allow it.
April 5- Lunch with Courtney. I've always been fascinated with the insights Courtney has on the Lord and His word. Our dating situation was (still is) very similar, which is crazy.
June 14- A really bad storm hit Norman and the carpet in my room got flooded. I couldn't go home to Tulsa because I was taking summer classes at OCCC.
June 19- Crashed at Anna's. I got off work and asked Anna if I could spend the night because my room started to smell of mold from my flooded carpet. Maintenance took their sweet time taking care of it. After work I needed some time to waste because Anna wouldn't be home until 7:30pm. I got taco bell and went into a parking lot to eat. I remember being really lonely. I decided to call my dad because it was father's day... He didn't answer. Glad he didn't because while the phone was ringing, I already started crying (it was a combination of my apartment being inhabitable, realizing my dependency on David, and recovering from the hurtful phone calls from David's brother-in-law).
June 20- Started working out for Lizzy's wedding. Since I was currently homeless, I would try to find ways to waste time. I was crashing at Carol's place but she wouldn't be home until 7:30pm.
July 7- Stomach Virus!! started Thursday morning and I drove all the way to OCCC to go to class! It was the worst drive of my life. I drove back to Tulsa because I wanted to babysit Ezra, plus I didn't want to be at my apartment (still smelled like mold).
July 29- Family drove to Tennessee for a family reunion. Also where Sala would come back and live with us. Thankfully my class ended so I was in Tulsa for a while.
August 9-20- Left for Milwaukee. The two weeks of my life I was looking forward to the most. Had some one-on-one chats with Lizzy and cried every single time. Definitely had some worth issues. If the Lord wanted David and I to split permanently, I couldn't imagine why another man would want to be with me. Lizzy told me that I had to also forgive myself... which is something I totally forgot to do.
August 24- school started up again and I went to Cru that night and saw David for the first time in 2 1/2 months (it was the longest time we've been without each other). First time I saw him, I felt like I was seeing an old friend again. No bitterness, no love-y emotions flooding back, just peace. But it wasn't mutual with David, he was avoiding me and it really hurt/ confused me.
August 21- Things start to get scary. I had another guy pursuing me for marriage and I had a hard time deciding what to do. I had someone who seriously wanted to marry me, but I wanted to be with David. Yet, David was avoiding me and wasn't the one pursuing me so I couldn't act like he was an option. For 2 weeks, I was so stressed that I couldn't even pray when I tried. My prayers would consist of three words, "Lord, my heart..." Later on it got easier to see where the Lord was leading me. My "suitor" and I didn't align with the same convictions.
August 26- Leadership retreat.
September 3- I started working on Saturday nights. At first I thought it was the worst shift ever, but I learned to like it. One night the chef asked me whether or not I liked my Saturday night shifts. I joked that it helped soothe those lonely nights. We both laughed about it, but that was the reason why I liked working. At least I wasn't alone in my room, remembering and crying about my past.
September 8- David and I met up to talk. It was right before he was going to leave for San Francisco. I brought up topics from our past because I kinda forgot why we broke up in the first place. It didn't end too well. I was left feeling extremely confused and unsettled. I didn't realize it then, but I was probably trying to control our situation. I was hoping that maybe after we talked, David would realize marriage was the right thing to do at that moment. Obviously I failed. That night I surrendered my control. We later talked it out and cleared the air before he left. Two days later he meet up with me at the Huff and said good-bye to me.
September 13- Still feeling a heaviness in my heart with my last in-person conversation with David. I had no idea what God was doing. Before studio, Jennifer Peck asked me how I was doing. I told her my situation and what was going on inside my heart. Once again she spoke truth in my life and it impacted me so much, I wrote them down on bright pink sticky notes to put in my planner so I wouldn't forget. She said three things:
1.Just because God says "no" now, don't take it as denial. There is an appointed time for everything under heaven
2. God can change a person faster than you can
3. God cares about your marriage more than you do.
September 20- After Dark. I don't usually go out, but for once I wanted to do what college kids do.
October 5- Phil Wickham!One of the best worship experiences ever.
October 9- Passages Bible Exhibition. It was a really rainy day this day, but it was a great date with myself. Around this time I started to enjoy spending time by myself.
October 14- Fall Retreat. I hate Retreats. Long nights, early mornings, and always hungry. But I went because I'd rather look back and know that I spent my time wisely.
October 22- Lilia's Funeral. God opened my eyes to what it means to live a full life. Whether I live for one more day or whether I live for 60 more years, in the end, my life on earth is complete because I get Him. That was also the night I had some questions that still weren't answered and I texted David. He called me later on at 11pm and we talked until 3am. I enjoyed it, but noticed it was extremely weird for us to be talking that long and that late.
October 31- Initiated a talk with David on his intentions for talking to me so much lately. He told me he would like to start pursuing me again for the possibility of marriage in the near future. I spent almost 5 months trying to accept the fact that I may never have a chance with him ever again, so switching to the possibility of marrying him soon was something I had to think about. It's crazy because I was at the point where I finally accepted the possibility of me being single for the next 5 years. I told the Lord, "Lord, if your plan for me is to be single for 2-5 more years and that looks like me living in Tulsa with my parents, then so be it." I had to plan for my life after college because graduation was just around the block. I was going to open a bakery/cafe for my mom and I. I guess the Lord had other things in mind. The next day I told David he could pursue me. :)
November 5- my first earthquake! A small fraction of God's great power.
December 2- my Senior Recital! The entire semester leading up to my recital, I was freaking out. I was so insecure in my abilities as a musician, but I pulled through! I can't believe I did it. So many people I knew came, I felt really loved. Bible study girls, my family, and College life family. Thank God for good friends!
December 25- Christmas program at church
December 31- New years eve party at my place. Hung out with Kou, Mary, and Tim. Went to a nerdy card store and felt lame! :P
Major things God revealed to me this year:
- Once we belong to Him, He will never let us go
- In our darkest hour, he meets us there. Those are the nights we are held.
- At the end of it all, life is made complete because we get Him. Nothing else.
- Through the blood of Christ, I am pure, washed clean.(finally believed it in my heart)
- God is glorified when I do not remain in shame.
- God's perfect timing is obvious. Everything starts falling into place without my efforts.
- God is sovereign.(even when I step in and mess everything up)
- All we have to do is surrender.
- God is faithful. Always. He hasn't failed me yet.
Friday, December 9, 2011
Digging Up The Past
I'm not gonna lie, I have a grudge. I'm still angry at some people and I want to hold on to my hate. I can't even stand looking at pictures of these people, I don't even want to talk to them, or try to be friends. Sometimes I have these conversations in my head where I just yell at them and hope that my words will make them realize how stupid, self-righteous, and immature they are. I want to tell everybody I know what they've done to me so that they would also hate them... JESUS, TEACH ME HOW TO LOVE! I obviously still don't know the first thing about it! Teach me how to forgive. I know there isn't a relationship too far gone for Christ to restore.
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
Internal Voices
These past two weeks have been hard. I am struck with an overwhelming sense of insecurity. My recital preview is quickly approaching and I can't seem to get in the groove of things. Every time I practice there is no freedom. I'm constantly struggling to produce a good sound. It frustrates me to the point where I quit practicing after 30 minutes. I met up with Jennifer Peck today and she reminded me of God's truth. She told me that the Lord wants us to make a joyful sound- it does not imply that it's a beautiful sound. The truth is, the Lord sees my heart and even if I don't play to the school's level, at the end of the day, it is still worship. He delights in it all.
I played in studio today and everyone saw right through me. They knew I was uncomfortable and insecure. I don't even have to speak and others can see my lack of confidence. I feel so disqualified in my abilities. I'm surprised at how negative I've been. I constantly hear this voice in my head saying, "You're horrible, you're not where you need to be. How can you teach music if you can't even play well yourself." I can see this is how Satan operates. He pokes at you until he finds a weak spot, then he brings it to the surface and makes you think you're completely disqualified. But the Lord screams out that I can just come as I am. He looks at my offering and stares at it with joy... like a child giving his dad a simple crayon drawing. He invites me to rest in his truth. What can Satan do to me when my Father is so much stronger then him? At the sound of His name, Satan and his demons tremble and leave on demand. How amazing is the God I worship...
I played in studio today and everyone saw right through me. They knew I was uncomfortable and insecure. I don't even have to speak and others can see my lack of confidence. I feel so disqualified in my abilities. I'm surprised at how negative I've been. I constantly hear this voice in my head saying, "You're horrible, you're not where you need to be. How can you teach music if you can't even play well yourself." I can see this is how Satan operates. He pokes at you until he finds a weak spot, then he brings it to the surface and makes you think you're completely disqualified. But the Lord screams out that I can just come as I am. He looks at my offering and stares at it with joy... like a child giving his dad a simple crayon drawing. He invites me to rest in his truth. What can Satan do to me when my Father is so much stronger then him? At the sound of His name, Satan and his demons tremble and leave on demand. How amazing is the God I worship...
Friday, September 30, 2011
The Past Month.
Lately things have been good. God has really given me a vision for my life and I go through my days with excitement for life after college... Yet, at the end of the day, I can not deny this feeling that weighs on my heart. It's not loneliness... I guess it's just the desire that God has placed in almost every woman's heart. I like to joke to myself and say that it's because I'm "getting old." I want to cook dinner and have a husband there to enjoy it with. I want to do laundry and fold clothes that are not my own. I want to be next to that person that knows me inside and out...
Lord, you know the desires of my heart.
Sometimes I just wonder if David still thinks about us. If he's even concerned about preparing a life for us in the future. I'm foolish for thinking these things. It's just safer to assume that he's no longer interested. It's only been a few months, but it is to the point where the thought of getting back together is hard to imagine. No doubt, I wish we were, but thinking about it actually happening is starting to become a weird thought. I guess the reason is because there is no relationship. If we're friends, the friendship isn't growing... I need to stop thinking about this.
I'm just ready to settle down... I love the thought of starting a family... I can't wait to have kids. I can't wait for the day where the kids will come running into my room on a Saturday morning and wake me up with laughter and silly jokes... I just want to love. The kind of love that's deeper than "having lunch with a friend."
like I said, Lord, you know the desires of my heart.
Lord, you know the desires of my heart.
Sometimes I just wonder if David still thinks about us. If he's even concerned about preparing a life for us in the future. I'm foolish for thinking these things. It's just safer to assume that he's no longer interested. It's only been a few months, but it is to the point where the thought of getting back together is hard to imagine. No doubt, I wish we were, but thinking about it actually happening is starting to become a weird thought. I guess the reason is because there is no relationship. If we're friends, the friendship isn't growing... I need to stop thinking about this.
I'm just ready to settle down... I love the thought of starting a family... I can't wait to have kids. I can't wait for the day where the kids will come running into my room on a Saturday morning and wake me up with laughter and silly jokes... I just want to love. The kind of love that's deeper than "having lunch with a friend."
like I said, Lord, you know the desires of my heart.
Sunday, September 4, 2011
Desires of my Heart.
A few nights ago I had a dream... it was my wedding day. This is actually a reoccurring dream. Usually what happens is that the entire day would be so hectic and stressful that I wanted out. I didn't want a wedding anymore. But unlike the other dreams, this dream included the ceremony. Everything was horrible. The bridesmaids walked down the aisle too fast, my dress was basically my blanket, and I even messed up the kiss... but surprisingly, I didn't care. I didn't care about the mistakes, the decorations, or what I was wearing. All I could see was my husband staring back at me and how I couldn't wait to spend the rest of my life with him...for the first time my husband had a face... I long to have that face stare back at me in delight and joy again... too bad I had to wake up.
Monday, August 29, 2011
Scared.
The Lord is good. He has never failed me yet...but times like these, I can't help but be overwhelmed and fall to my knees. For the past 2 months, I've been very cautious to not think and obsess about things that aren't happening. When real situations actually arise, I will then reflect and deal with them... The Lord has been good with healing me... I can seriously say that I have about a good year worth of healing in 2 months. Emotions I expected to feel never happened, feelings others expected me to struggle with was not a struggle for me. This healing process has been a very unique process that can only be from God himself.
Throughout the summer, certain thoughts would come into my mind. What would I do/think if David pursued me again? Would I be ready for marriage if all of a sudden a Godly man pursued me? Am I ready to be in a relationship anytime soon? All these thoughts I suppressed because these things weren't even happening... Well, I am forced to think of these things now because some of these questions are starting to become real. Honestly these past 4-5 days have been extremely stressful. I am scared. I do not know what to think. All I can say is that I trust God and his plan.
On one side, I have David, the man who I dreamed of marrying for the past two years. I wish he would believe me when I say that I don't care if he is jobless. I've seen him struggle for the past year and a half, trying to get a job... and all I want to do is stand beside him and encourage him. I want to tell him that I'm still here and that I believe in him and that he can do great things for the Kingdom of the Lord... but as a girlfriend, this level of encouragement is not my role yet- it is the role of a wife. This is one of the reasons why I wished we would have gotten married. As a wife, I would have loved to walk beside him and encourage him in his struggles. At the end of the day, I desired to just hold him and delight in his presence. In his darkest days, I wish I could be there to comfort him and take care of him. I so badly want to do all these things for him...but somehow, I'm still not his wife...although it was planned so many times before... He is clouded with the lie that he has to have it all together- He has to be better, be a somebody, be more of a man... but he does not hear me cry out that he is enough. DAVID, YOU ARE ENOUGH. Please, stop striving and just rest in the Lord... As each day goes by I feel like this hope that I have of us ending up together is slowly dying away. He is starting to close himself out and I can't reach him. I can't read him. I don't even know if he still wants to be with me. For all I know, he may have changed his mind. If he moves to San Fransisco, he could very easily find someone else and be happy to leave the stress of his past behind... It breaks my heart to think that I may simply remain his past... This is something I can't let go of. I can handle no dating, no talking, no one-on-one time, but I can not handle the thought of us not ending up together. The thought of him being with someone else makes me sick to my stomach. Oh God, help me. This is all becoming too real.
On the other side, there's Cheng. A man who is already well-known by my relatives and is ready for marriage. I've told him that it's not fair to him for us talk every night when I'm constantly thinking of someone else...yet he remains persistent... I feel horrible that I can not give him the answers he wants to hear... He wants to hear that I like him too, that I am ready to marriage, that I consider us to be "talking"...but I do not feel that these things are appropriate at this time...the last thing I want to do is break his heart. I've been telling him to protect his heart because he has no idea what is going to happen. It's just stressful because Cheng is the one pursuing me, when I so badly want it to be David.
I can not make myself "wait" for David because like I said previously, he can change his mind about me at any time... so I would need to protect my heart against all possible situations. With all these things happening, there's still a voice inside me of me saying, "David, hurry up, please, it's happening." I cry out expecting him to come...to rescue, and protect me from this situation...But no matter how much I'm screaming inside, I can't control anything. I can't persuade him, I can't persuade God... Lord, I'm so scared.
Throughout the summer, certain thoughts would come into my mind. What would I do/think if David pursued me again? Would I be ready for marriage if all of a sudden a Godly man pursued me? Am I ready to be in a relationship anytime soon? All these thoughts I suppressed because these things weren't even happening... Well, I am forced to think of these things now because some of these questions are starting to become real. Honestly these past 4-5 days have been extremely stressful. I am scared. I do not know what to think. All I can say is that I trust God and his plan.
On one side, I have David, the man who I dreamed of marrying for the past two years. I wish he would believe me when I say that I don't care if he is jobless. I've seen him struggle for the past year and a half, trying to get a job... and all I want to do is stand beside him and encourage him. I want to tell him that I'm still here and that I believe in him and that he can do great things for the Kingdom of the Lord... but as a girlfriend, this level of encouragement is not my role yet- it is the role of a wife. This is one of the reasons why I wished we would have gotten married. As a wife, I would have loved to walk beside him and encourage him in his struggles. At the end of the day, I desired to just hold him and delight in his presence. In his darkest days, I wish I could be there to comfort him and take care of him. I so badly want to do all these things for him...but somehow, I'm still not his wife...although it was planned so many times before... He is clouded with the lie that he has to have it all together- He has to be better, be a somebody, be more of a man... but he does not hear me cry out that he is enough. DAVID, YOU ARE ENOUGH. Please, stop striving and just rest in the Lord... As each day goes by I feel like this hope that I have of us ending up together is slowly dying away. He is starting to close himself out and I can't reach him. I can't read him. I don't even know if he still wants to be with me. For all I know, he may have changed his mind. If he moves to San Fransisco, he could very easily find someone else and be happy to leave the stress of his past behind... It breaks my heart to think that I may simply remain his past... This is something I can't let go of. I can handle no dating, no talking, no one-on-one time, but I can not handle the thought of us not ending up together. The thought of him being with someone else makes me sick to my stomach. Oh God, help me. This is all becoming too real.
On the other side, there's Cheng. A man who is already well-known by my relatives and is ready for marriage. I've told him that it's not fair to him for us talk every night when I'm constantly thinking of someone else...yet he remains persistent... I feel horrible that I can not give him the answers he wants to hear... He wants to hear that I like him too, that I am ready to marriage, that I consider us to be "talking"...but I do not feel that these things are appropriate at this time...the last thing I want to do is break his heart. I've been telling him to protect his heart because he has no idea what is going to happen. It's just stressful because Cheng is the one pursuing me, when I so badly want it to be David.
I can not make myself "wait" for David because like I said previously, he can change his mind about me at any time... so I would need to protect my heart against all possible situations. With all these things happening, there's still a voice inside me of me saying, "David, hurry up, please, it's happening." I cry out expecting him to come...to rescue, and protect me from this situation...But no matter how much I'm screaming inside, I can't control anything. I can't persuade him, I can't persuade God... Lord, I'm so scared.
Monday, June 13, 2011
Gospel
I am tired. My soul is weak. I feel like I'm fighting a battle alone. I fall because there is no one beside me who has my back. I feel like my battle isn't against the enemy, but people that I know and love. How can I go on fighting if I am unwilling to fight? How did this fight even start?
I can't even describe the battle inside my heart. I can't even pinpoint the moment it all went wrong... it all happened so fast, how did I get this far? I wonder if Adam and Eve had this same feeling. The serpent appears in the calm, the quietness of the garden. It sees God's image in the stillness, pure and unashamed. It approaches with a simple question. Yet little did they know, the question challenged everything. Then before you know it, they are naked, ashamed, and stripped of their innocence... that's it. It has been done. Sin. How many times does this happen in our everyday lives? We act on impulse and are left hurt, hurting others, and further away from the One who has given us life from the beginning.
Yet the beauty of it all is that God didn't abandon us to this cycle. From the very moment it happened, God had a plan to redeem. How great His love for me. He is patient with me even when I constantly break His heart.
I can't even describe the battle inside my heart. I can't even pinpoint the moment it all went wrong... it all happened so fast, how did I get this far? I wonder if Adam and Eve had this same feeling. The serpent appears in the calm, the quietness of the garden. It sees God's image in the stillness, pure and unashamed. It approaches with a simple question. Yet little did they know, the question challenged everything. Then before you know it, they are naked, ashamed, and stripped of their innocence... that's it. It has been done. Sin. How many times does this happen in our everyday lives? We act on impulse and are left hurt, hurting others, and further away from the One who has given us life from the beginning.
Yet the beauty of it all is that God didn't abandon us to this cycle. From the very moment it happened, God had a plan to redeem. How great His love for me. He is patient with me even when I constantly break His heart.
Monday, April 18, 2011
Battles.
The battle is easy until you leave yourself vulnerable. I've taken a hundred steps forward and somehow I ended up a hundred steps behind from where I started! I guess I wasn't as strong as I thought I was. I was foolish. Friday David and I had dinner together, and I was fine until the end when he told me how he would look at his phone and want me to call at night... I guess what was going on in my head was that he still desired me... so it gave me hope that he would want to be with me...or maybe the lack of interaction made him realize that he wanted to take the steps to be committed to me. So that night began the emotional attachment again. The most foolish thing I did was that I wore the promise ring he gave me... later realizing that there was no promise at all. Last night we decided to pull back on the communication. It was honesty more painful than the break up itself...basically cried myself to sleep. I'm surprised how hard I could fall in one weekend.
During College Life, Jeremy mentioned that it's not bad to have desires for marriage because that is how God designed us to be... to desire relationships. I guess my situation is that I'm not afraid of marriage, and a lot of people are...so of course, no one in a relationship right now knows how I feel!! People are content with being in a relationship and not moving towards marriage, but I can't play with emotions like that. I'm still confused on how people can make dating glorifying to God. People say it's okay to kiss, but agree that making out isn't...well I kinda put those things in the same category. I don't know one dating couple who doesn't struggle with physicalness, I don't know a dating couple who hasn't made out. In Bible study we saw in Galations 5 that the bible makes it very clear and how we live is very black and white. Yet, there are so many things Christians do that they think is permissible just because they don't have a conviction about it. If I go to the store and notice that the cashier didn't charge me for something, it doesn't take a genius to know that if I don't say anything, it's still stealing. Even if I'm not convicted of it, I still know the difference between right and wrong. I feel like the things I say to people don't even matter. I guess people can just live how they want. It's all the Lord's work anyways.
During College Life, Jeremy mentioned that it's not bad to have desires for marriage because that is how God designed us to be... to desire relationships. I guess my situation is that I'm not afraid of marriage, and a lot of people are...so of course, no one in a relationship right now knows how I feel!! People are content with being in a relationship and not moving towards marriage, but I can't play with emotions like that. I'm still confused on how people can make dating glorifying to God. People say it's okay to kiss, but agree that making out isn't...well I kinda put those things in the same category. I don't know one dating couple who doesn't struggle with physicalness, I don't know a dating couple who hasn't made out. In Bible study we saw in Galations 5 that the bible makes it very clear and how we live is very black and white. Yet, there are so many things Christians do that they think is permissible just because they don't have a conviction about it. If I go to the store and notice that the cashier didn't charge me for something, it doesn't take a genius to know that if I don't say anything, it's still stealing. Even if I'm not convicted of it, I still know the difference between right and wrong. I feel like the things I say to people don't even matter. I guess people can just live how they want. It's all the Lord's work anyways.
Thursday, April 14, 2011
Truth
Freedom in Christ... I am no longer a slave to the flesh and I refuse to be! Tonight at bible study we read through Galations 5 and the first verse says, "It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. STAND FIRM, then, and DO NOT LET yourselves be burdened AGAIN by a yoke of slavery." Christ has set me free, but that does not mean I will be immune to sin. Sometimes I wonder, why would I ever want to fall back into the very sin that has been a chain around my neck for so long? It doesn't make sense to revert back when Christ has clearly set me free!
Last night I read the passage in Romans 7:7-25 about why we still struggle with sin. In verse 21-23 it says, "when i want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God's law, but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members." From what we talked about in bible study a couple weeks ago, struggling with sin is like a bad song stuck in your head. You want it to stop, but it keeps playing over and over in your head until it begins to drive you crazy! The body still remembers the sin and still desires for it, but my soul desires Truth! This is why Galations 5:1 speaks so strongly to me, "DO NOT LET yourselves to be burdened AGAIN!" Every single night for the past week I've been looking back on my life and wished it was back to how it use to be. Yeah I'll admit, I miss the dates, I miss the closeness, I miss the intimacy, holding hands, and spending every day together. The flesh still remembers and desires it! But I can stand firmly and declare that I CHOOSE JESUS! I realize that I want to go back to dating when I look backwards, but I am filled with hope when I look forward. I must not only look forward, but move forward! I can't wait to go on dates with my husband,and not have them end at ten o'clock! I can't wait until I can hold my husband at the end of the day, unlike a boyfriend who has to leave me at the end of the day. Although, my flesh still desires my past, I can still feel the heartache from following the flesh and how much it weighs on the soul. The Spirit in me desires Truth and I have felt the chains lifted from my shoulders, why would I ever turn back?
Last night I read the passage in Romans 7:7-25 about why we still struggle with sin. In verse 21-23 it says, "when i want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God's law, but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members." From what we talked about in bible study a couple weeks ago, struggling with sin is like a bad song stuck in your head. You want it to stop, but it keeps playing over and over in your head until it begins to drive you crazy! The body still remembers the sin and still desires for it, but my soul desires Truth! This is why Galations 5:1 speaks so strongly to me, "DO NOT LET yourselves to be burdened AGAIN!" Every single night for the past week I've been looking back on my life and wished it was back to how it use to be. Yeah I'll admit, I miss the dates, I miss the closeness, I miss the intimacy, holding hands, and spending every day together. The flesh still remembers and desires it! But I can stand firmly and declare that I CHOOSE JESUS! I realize that I want to go back to dating when I look backwards, but I am filled with hope when I look forward. I must not only look forward, but move forward! I can't wait to go on dates with my husband,and not have them end at ten o'clock! I can't wait until I can hold my husband at the end of the day, unlike a boyfriend who has to leave me at the end of the day. Although, my flesh still desires my past, I can still feel the heartache from following the flesh and how much it weighs on the soul. The Spirit in me desires Truth and I have felt the chains lifted from my shoulders, why would I ever turn back?
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