Battles.

The battle is easy until you leave yourself vulnerable. I've taken a hundred steps forward and somehow I ended up a hundred steps behind from where I started! I guess I wasn't as strong as I thought I was. I was foolish. Friday David and I had dinner together, and I was fine until the end when he told me how he would look at his phone and want me to call at night... I guess what was going on in my head was that he still desired me... so it gave me hope that he would want to be with me...or maybe the lack of interaction made him realize that he wanted to take the steps to be committed to me. So that night began the emotional attachment again. The most foolish thing I did was that I wore the promise ring he gave me... later realizing that there was no promise at all. Last night we decided to pull back on the communication. It was honesty more painful than the break up itself...basically cried myself to sleep. I'm surprised how hard I could fall in one weekend.

During College Life, Jeremy mentioned that it's not bad to have desires for marriage because that is how God designed us to be... to desire relationships. I guess my situation is that I'm not afraid of marriage, and a lot of people are...so of course, no one in a relationship right now knows how I feel!! People are content with being in a relationship and not moving towards marriage, but I can't play with emotions like that. I'm still confused on how people can make dating glorifying to God. People say it's okay to kiss, but agree that making out isn't...well I kinda put those things in the same category. I don't know one dating couple who doesn't struggle with physicalness, I don't know a dating couple who hasn't made out. In Bible study we saw in Galations 5 that the bible makes it very clear and how we live is very black and white. Yet, there are so many things Christians do that they think is permissible just because they don't have a conviction about it. If I go to the store and notice that the cashier didn't charge me for something, it doesn't take a genius to know that if I don't say anything, it's still stealing. Even if I'm not convicted of it, I still know the difference between right and wrong. I feel like the things I say to people don't even matter. I guess people can just live how they want. It's all the Lord's work anyways.

Truth

Freedom in Christ... I am no longer a slave to the flesh and I refuse to be! Tonight at bible study we read through Galations 5 and the first verse says, "It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. STAND FIRM, then, and DO NOT LET yourselves be burdened AGAIN by a yoke of slavery." Christ has set me free, but that does not mean I will be immune to sin. Sometimes I wonder, why would I ever want to fall back into the very sin that has been a chain around my neck for so long? It doesn't make sense to revert back when Christ has clearly set me free!

Last night I read the passage in Romans 7:7-25 about why we still struggle with sin. In verse 21-23 it says, "when i want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God's law, but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members." From what we talked about in bible study a couple weeks ago, struggling with sin is like a bad song stuck in your head. You want it to stop, but it keeps playing over and over in your head until it begins to drive you crazy! The body still remembers the sin and still desires for it, but my soul desires Truth! This is why Galations 5:1 speaks so strongly to me, "DO NOT LET yourselves to be burdened AGAIN!" Every single night for the past week I've been looking back on my life and wished it was back to how it use to be. Yeah I'll admit, I miss the dates, I miss the closeness, I miss the intimacy, holding hands, and spending every day together. The flesh still remembers and desires it! But I can stand firmly and declare that I CHOOSE JESUS! I realize that I want to go back to dating when I look backwards, but I am filled with hope when I look forward. I must not only look forward, but move forward! I can't wait to go on dates with my husband,and not have them end at ten o'clock! I can't wait until I can hold my husband at the end of the day, unlike a boyfriend who has to leave me at the end of the day. Although, my flesh still desires my past, I can still feel the heartache from following the flesh and how much it weighs on the soul. The Spirit in me desires Truth and I have felt the chains lifted from my shoulders, why would I ever turn back?

my heart

These past 3-4 weeks, I have been crying constantly. This week alone I've broken down five times. My heart aches for something more. I yearn for the things of God and for things to be right. From the consequences of my sin, God is healing me.

Christ gives an everlasting hope and in Him I am washed white as snow. Though my heart chases after other lovers, He comes after me and still calls me his beloved. No matter how hard I try to run towards the road that leads to death, He pulls me back into the shelter of His arms. How many times will my heart long for the things of this world when He has proven himself over and over again.

trusting, praying, trusting, praying. trusting. praying, praying

I think at this point in my life, trusting the Lord is all I can do. I guess this week has kind of been a little weird. I see all these things that I have no control over and I'm willing to surrender it to the Lord. Yet, at the same time I'm scared that I might hold on to things too tightly, so I end up not wanting to have any emotion towards the important things in my life. A lot of things can happen in a short amount of time. If I lose my passions, my relationship, my plans in life, I still want to rejoice in the Lord for the things he's done in my life. Although this is true, I shouldn't approach everything with an apathetic attitude in fear that the Lord might take it all away and I'll be left heartbroken because I held everything so tightly.

People say the important things in life are worth fighting for...But what if you're fighting for something that you think is important but in reality, it's not? What if you're fighting just to hold on to it? What if the hole you've been digging all along is just so deep that you're comfortable in it? Maybe I want to fight the one who wants to rescue me from this hole, but I want to justify that the hole is safe, secure, and good for me?

I'm probably just rambling now... I guess I don't really know what's going on inside of me but God knows and he I trust that he will sort it all out. The thing is, he already has sorted it all out, I just need to remain obedient and patient.

inner battles

I've spent the past year and a half obsessing over marriage. I would think about it every single day and wonder about my wedding. It was so extreme, it would be the only thing I wanted to talk about when I talked to David. A year and a half of this. Over winter break God convicted me of my obsession with marriage. I was so consumed with my earthly wedding that I didn't even look forward or care about the day when Jesus comes for His bride. The vision of my life stopped at my wedding, I can't imagine how disappointed I would have been when my wedding ended and had nothing else to look forward to.

These past few weeks I've stopped thinking about marriage. Instead, I've been focusing on having a kingdom vision. It was really hard at first because there was a day when my day was filled with me overhearing people talk about marriage as I walked to my classes. I was extremely sensitive to the words: engaged, wedding, ring, and married. I wanted to get married so bad because I thought it would end my struggles with physicalness and that it was the only way to make things right. Some things I still can't understand, but I'm trusting God for those things.

Although I'm doing well in this area, there's another thing that has sprung up. Friday was David and my 2 year anniversary. It was the original date he was going to propose to me. Things just come up and plans change. Since I stopped thinking about marriage, I was fine with not being engaged. I praise God he took away such an unhealthy obsession so quickly! But the problem now isn't wondering about when I'm going to be engaged, but how can I put off marriage. It's pretty confusing. How could I desire something so badly that I don't want it anymore? For our 2 year, David sang me a song he wrote, which was really sweet of him, but I remember my mind started to freak out when he sang lyrics that sounded like marriage vows. Suddenly everything started to seem real when he gave me a promise ring. Isn't this what I wanted? Wasn't this the direction I nagged him to go in for a year and a half?! Now, i'm just... terrified.

I think I'm feeling this way because these past few weeks, I've been wanting to accomplish things in my season of singleness before I get married. I'm wanting to do things by myself instead of "settling down." I can see this manifesting to something unhealthy too. I've been praying that God would help me embrace my singleness, but not make me oppose marriage if it comes earlier than I want. It's all a delicate balance. In His perfect timing it will all fall into place. I'm just nervous to see how it's all going to work out, especially with my parents. Marriage is not only two people who love each other, it's a union between families. That's also another thing that makes my heart break. I want my parent's approval. Not just that, I want them to embrace this relationship I'm in and be genuinely happy about it. I want them to be involved and have their guidance, but it just seems so awkward now.

I trust God. I'm not putting my trust in Him making things happen how I want them to. I trust that he will make things happen for His glory and in His perfect timing it will be known and understood the things He's done. I have to protect my heart. Since David is not my husband, I shouldn't assume he already is. Lord, I trust you. All of this is beyond my control.

memories

I don't really know how I feel right now. I guess the only word I can think of is... numb? I had a concert tonight... and David said he was going to be there, but he didn't end up going because he overslept. It wasn't really what he did that's making me feel "numb"...it's just that it brought back some memories that I've kept buried for a while. Whenever I have a performance, I don't tell anybody...it's because I've decided to stop telling people. I guess tonight just brought me back to the night when I decided that I would never tell anyone about my performances again.

If anyone knew me back in high school, they knew that I was crazy about music. I joined every ensemble I could. My favorite was being part of the pit for musicals. I remember the day I declared to myself that music was what I had to be doing for the rest of my life...it was while I was in the pit for Cinderella my freshman year of high school. I loved the atmosphere, the architecture of the performance hall, the intimacy of a small ensemble...and what better way to make it all come alive than to share it with someone.

Senior year of high school. The musical was "Fiddler on the Roof" and I was so excited for it. the music was great, the setup and the effects on stage were amazing...i couldn't wait to be part of the production. I told my parents that they should come see the show, and they said they would come on a saturday night. Well, saturday night came and I remember looking out in the crowd to find my parents, it was a big performing room so they could have been anywhere. I didn't find them, but I just assumed that I wasn't looking hard enough, or that they were running late. As the show started, I played my part and was enjoying every moment of it... When intermission came around, I gave it another shot of search the audience for my parents. I still couldn't find them. I don't know why it never occurred to me that they simply just didn't show up. Even at intermission when I couldn't find them, I still hoped that they would be there.

I don't remember if it was through a voicemail or when I came home, but my dad said that he and my mom didn't go because they needed to save money. At that time, they were throwing parties every week at our new house, and it didn't make sense to me that they could spend hundreds of dollars each week for throw parties but couldn't spend $20 on tickets to be a part of what I was so passionate about. I think that night just ended with me crying for the rest of the night.... it's not the fact that they didn't show up. It was fact that I had the hope and the expectation that they would care. It wasn't the realization what they weren't there... It's the part where I'm looking out into the crowd...hoping to find them smiling back at me and finding joy in the things I took joy in. That was the night when I realized that there's actually nobody out there in the crowd. I was simply looking for someone who wasn't there in the first pace.

Ever since then, that's how it's been. I don't tell anybody about my performances anymore because I'm the only one who cares about it...when I think about it... I don't even care anymore. I dread performances now, I can't sit through a full concert, I end up leaving after ten minutes... I dread band rehearsals...I don't want to say "hate" but I hate it all.

My concert tonight was no big deal. I didn't even care about it. But the part that I was expecting David to be there when he said he would, just brought back those memories in high school. I'm not upset at him, I'm not angry, or disappointed... I feel numb because I just don't want to bring back those memories.

His will, not mine.

Lately the Lord has been pushing my heart to tell others about Him. Yet, I can not deny that I am scared out of my mind. I am a coward. I care too much about what other people think...but what am I afraid of? Why should I feel embarrassed about the One who has shown me so much mercy and has poured out so much of his grace into my life? My heart cries out for the Lord to use me, but it seems like I am also too timid to speak. I'm making excuses to avoid spiritual conversations and hoping that my actions will make up for my silence. I pray for a boldness that is not my own. I want to lose myself in Christ and let Him take control. I want to sit at His feet and be completely broken before Him. I want to fulfill His will, not mine.

yes, Lord.

God is good...may I never forget that.

This semester I packed my schedule for a number of reasons- I need to catch up on credits, I have to start my business classes so I can graduate on time, also need a job and to stay busy so I'm not bored out of my mind and relying on David to be my source of fulfillment(because I was getting too attached and needy). Ultimately, I have to also stop being lazy and actually serve the Lord where he calls me to serve.

These past two weeks have been great. The moment I decided to say yes to God was when the adventure started. In starting a bible study, the hardest part for me was finding girls who wanted to be a part of it. I constantly prayed for thirsty girls...and to admit, being denied a handful of times was very frustrating, but that's ministry. There will always be people who just aren't interested. I think I delayed starting a bible study for an entire year because I just didn't want to be denied. I found it useless investing my time into girls who I knew wouldn't be interested...which is the wrong way to go about things. Despite my stubbornness, God is always faithful. First bible study had a total of 3 girls(including me). It was a good to see us all start opening up to each other an building community...next week there may be 2 new girls...maybe even 3? we'll see!! That's more than what I had ever imagined!

I just want to praise God for the things he has done. The opportunities he has given me to share his word and invite them into community. Lately, I've just been having small talk with a couple of people. People who I've known for 2-3 years, but never has a chance to know at a deeper level. I've never been the kind of person to start conversations about God...I've always been afraid to initiate spiritual conversations because I tend to think that people just don't want to talk about it. Well, it's kind of amazing to see that the people who I'm talking to are asking me about Christ. I've had more people telling me that they want to know more about God and be involved with Christian organizations than those who say they just aren't interested. I continue to pray for these people and hope God can use me and give me a boldness that is not my own.

With all the great things God has done in ministry, I know I also have to prepare myself for when the enemy strikes. Already I am being hit with insecurity. I know that the enemy is just trying to take me off the path. I guess since I'm extremely busy now, I don't see David as much. If we see each other everyday, it's only for a few minutes, if we don't see each other on a daily basis, then it's on the weekends- sometimes not even the weekends. I guess what I'm getting at is that I'm starting to be insecure about our relationship...that he'll fall for someone else because we haven't been spending much quality time with each other... which I shouldn't even be feeling this way because the past couple weeks have been great also. These past two weeks, it's as if I've fallen for him all over again. I constantly told him that I loved him and that I missed him, which every part of it was true. I yearned for him and wanted to make him feel loved. All of this just makes me long for the day I can officially call him my husband and be able to desire him and have it be right. I guess being busy has it's ups and downs. I'm not taking him for granted and not dependent on him every second of the day...which I know he needs his alone time and time to be with his friends. Yet, at the same time I have these lies running in my head that he doesn't need me anymore. This is something I need to defeat with truth...whatever truth is.

I just continue to pray. Pray for the people in my life and for them to know Christ for who he truly is. Also strength to fight the good fight. I also desire to know truth. I need God's wisdom and not the world's wisdom.

life goals

It just hit me... i have two years left of college! This is making me think about what i want to do in life. I realized that can never get a job... this is the pattern of my life...so instead of being stressed out about being rejected for jobs, i've decided to that i can be my own boss.. i can start my own business with the skills and talents that God has given me. I hope from my business classes i can have a business mind. I hope i don't become greedy like all businessmen tho. I still want God to be the one who gets the glory in the end. I also hope God will make my business grow, so i can not only have enough for myself, but i can have enough to help others. I hope i can donate to non profit organizations that seek to bring the Gospel to all nations. I also hope i can travel and see the world outside my comfortable life in Oklahoma. This is my intention of starting a business, that people will delight in what i have to offer them so i can have enough to help others for His kingdom.

I really hope i can teach private lessons. It's so hard getting students. there's only a 4 hour gap that i can teach and the only barrier is that people are not willing to pay because it's just a "hobby." So it's usually something that gets cut first in people's list priorities. But the reason why i want to teach is because i want to show kids how to worship God, and not for men. When people are good at music, they tend to be prideful and like to show off...examples would be guys who play guitar to attract girls, or people bringing their guitars to school and play in the halls...those people are only doing that to show off because there's no need to bring a guitar to school if you aren't taking lessons. I use to be prideful in this area too. i was considered the best in my middle school and the 2 high schools i went to, so the more i succeeded, the more my pride grew. There was a point when i was so prideful that i couldn't imagine what life would be like if God took away this talent. If God took it away completely, I wouldn't have anything left...Luckily, God has opened my eyes and has cast down my idols.

When i'm not teaching, i hope to be sewing! There is an indescribable joy when i start sewing. Just knowing that our Creator was a billion times more excited when he created us makes me grow closer to him. To see the work of his hands is breathtaking. Its hard for us to come up with our own color combinations because it is all found in nature... Humans can only repeat what He has already created. I hope to carry this into my business... to showcase is glory. I think i'll start out selling online...having my own etsy page, or website, and if that is successful, then i can start a business. I hope to sell higher end materials and my own creations, plus i also hope to sell needlework from women in other countries because a few dollars from here will help them for a few weeks or months.

Also, i don't know if this will be too much to handle, but i would like to start my own wedding venue/event center. affordable ballrooms are not easy to come by..maybe because they're ballrooms! ha. i don't know how much it'll all cost tho. I'll probably have to take out a huge loan to make it happen. I'm not a risky person... but people will never stop getting married and having big events, so there's a chance it could work. I could have a venue with different size rooms so people who have a certain amount of guests can pick a room that most suites their guest size. I'm also obsessed with glass chapels. i could have a room that looks like that. I can also have a garden that people can take pictures in! It'll have all the works! I think it's funny how i'm getting excited thinking about this. When i first had this idea, i was thinking i could make a package deal where my mom can make wedding cakes for a wedding, but i wont be living in tulsa my entire life, so i don't know how that'd work. nonetheless, i am still very excited. This idea also depends on location. It'll need to be in between several towns/cities, so it can appeal to surrounding areas, and also depends if there's a lot of venues in the area.

So here it is! If you want to know what i want to do in life, these are my plans. I have a lot of options so i hope God will let them happen! future planning is fun :)

little brother

I think it's just one of those months where I am extremely sensitive and emotional, but lately I've been spending a lot of time with my siblings, especially Ben, who just turned 9...and for some reason, my heart just starts to warm up when I see that he is growing up, yet he is still a kid. I guess from the outside, he seems likes he's tough, and doesn't care about anything you say to him, but when you really look at him, and observe him, you start to see the little, vulnerable kid again. I think the tough exterior is from a lot of teasing from all of us siblings (because that's what siblings do..which is unintentional), and maybe some teasing/ bullying that he gets from school...which breaks my heart to even think about. Sometimes Angela, my sister, says that he comes home angry... even about to cry. I've had my fair share of crying from school. kids are just mean to each other... This is how bad we need Jesus in our lives.

We are not born good, that's why teachers make it a big deal to teach kids respect when they enter preschool/kindergarden, but then the meanness still escalates, so now we're trying to inform middle middle schools and high schools on bullying...but the efforts never work. Sometimes I think about being one of those people who speak at schools about sex, or bullying...but I don't know if kids would even take my word on things, or give me the respect to listen to what I have to say... kids really don't see how important it is to know that the things they do and say to their peers will effect them in the future.

I think this is the nurturing side of me that's coming out. When I become a mother, I don't ever want to see my kids go through these things. Right now I really want to protect Ben. I hate knowing that he dreads going to school and the reason may be because he's being teased, or it's just hard to make friends. I think kids at this age get embarrassed easily, they just want to fit in. I also think that's why Ben has a tough exterior...he want's to be able to fit in and not be made fun of by his individuality. During these past 3 weeks with him, I have really seen him be a kid, he still sleeps with stuffed animals, and he has his favorites, which i think is adorable. He also has a game that includes bunnies! and when my sister and I are in the living room, doing our own thing, sometimes I catch him running around the house, pretending he's fighting someone as he makes fighting sounds. He's still a kid, completely innocent, and vulnerable...I want to protect that.