I don't really know how I feel right now. I guess the only word I can think of is... numb? I had a concert tonight... and David said he was going to be there, but he didn't end up going because he overslept. It wasn't really what he did that's making me feel "numb"...it's just that it brought back some memories that I've kept buried for a while. Whenever I have a performance, I don't tell anybody...it's because I've decided to stop telling people. I guess tonight just brought me back to the night when I decided that I would never tell anyone about my performances again.
If anyone knew me back in high school, they knew that I was crazy about music. I joined every ensemble I could. My favorite was being part of the pit for musicals. I remember the day I declared to myself that music was what I had to be doing for the rest of my life...it was while I was in the pit for Cinderella my freshman year of high school. I loved the atmosphere, the architecture of the performance hall, the intimacy of a small ensemble...and what better way to make it all come alive than to share it with someone.
Senior year of high school. The musical was "Fiddler on the Roof" and I was so excited for it. the music was great, the setup and the effects on stage were amazing...i couldn't wait to be part of the production. I told my parents that they should come see the show, and they said they would come on a saturday night. Well, saturday night came and I remember looking out in the crowd to find my parents, it was a big performing room so they could have been anywhere. I didn't find them, but I just assumed that I wasn't looking hard enough, or that they were running late. As the show started, I played my part and was enjoying every moment of it... When intermission came around, I gave it another shot of search the audience for my parents. I still couldn't find them. I don't know why it never occurred to me that they simply just didn't show up. Even at intermission when I couldn't find them, I still hoped that they would be there.
I don't remember if it was through a voicemail or when I came home, but my dad said that he and my mom didn't go because they needed to save money. At that time, they were throwing parties every week at our new house, and it didn't make sense to me that they could spend hundreds of dollars each week for throw parties but couldn't spend $20 on tickets to be a part of what I was so passionate about. I think that night just ended with me crying for the rest of the night.... it's not the fact that they didn't show up. It was fact that I had the hope and the expectation that they would care. It wasn't the realization what they weren't there... It's the part where I'm looking out into the crowd...hoping to find them smiling back at me and finding joy in the things I took joy in. That was the night when I realized that there's actually nobody out there in the crowd. I was simply looking for someone who wasn't there in the first pace.
Ever since then, that's how it's been. I don't tell anybody about my performances anymore because I'm the only one who cares about it...when I think about it... I don't even care anymore. I dread performances now, I can't sit through a full concert, I end up leaving after ten minutes... I dread band rehearsals...I don't want to say "hate" but I hate it all.
My concert tonight was no big deal. I didn't even care about it. But the part that I was expecting David to be there when he said he would, just brought back those memories in high school. I'm not upset at him, I'm not angry, or disappointed... I feel numb because I just don't want to bring back those memories.
