These past two weeks have been hard. I am struck with an overwhelming sense of insecurity. My recital preview is quickly approaching and I can't seem to get in the groove of things. Every time I practice there is no freedom. I'm constantly struggling to produce a good sound. It frustrates me to the point where I quit practicing after 30 minutes. I met up with Jennifer Peck today and she reminded me of God's truth. She told me that the Lord wants us to make a joyful sound- it does not imply that it's a beautiful sound. The truth is, the Lord sees my heart and even if I don't play to the school's level, at the end of the day, it is still worship. He delights in it all.
I played in studio today and everyone saw right through me. They knew I was uncomfortable and insecure. I don't even have to speak and others can see my lack of confidence. I feel so disqualified in my abilities. I'm surprised at how negative I've been. I constantly hear this voice in my head saying, "You're horrible, you're not where you need to be. How can you teach music if you can't even play well yourself." I can see this is how Satan operates. He pokes at you until he finds a weak spot, then he brings it to the surface and makes you think you're completely disqualified. But the Lord screams out that I can just come as I am. He looks at my offering and stares at it with joy... like a child giving his dad a simple crayon drawing. He invites me to rest in his truth. What can Satan do to me when my Father is so much stronger then him? At the sound of His name, Satan and his demons tremble and leave on demand. How amazing is the God I worship...
