Sunday, September 26, 2010
His will, not mine.
Lately the Lord has been pushing my heart to tell others about Him. Yet, I can not deny that I am scared out of my mind. I am a coward. I care too much about what other people think...but what am I afraid of? Why should I feel embarrassed about the One who has shown me so much mercy and has poured out so much of his grace into my life? My heart cries out for the Lord to use me, but it seems like I am also too timid to speak. I'm making excuses to avoid spiritual conversations and hoping that my actions will make up for my silence. I pray for a boldness that is not my own. I want to lose myself in Christ and let Him take control. I want to sit at His feet and be completely broken before Him. I want to fulfill His will, not mine.
Saturday, September 4, 2010
yes, Lord.
God is good...may I never forget that.
This semester I packed my schedule for a number of reasons- I need to catch up on credits, I have to start my business classes so I can graduate on time, also need a job and to stay busy so I'm not bored out of my mind and relying on David to be my source of fulfillment(because I was getting too attached and needy). Ultimately, I have to also stop being lazy and actually serve the Lord where he calls me to serve.
These past two weeks have been great. The moment I decided to say yes to God was when the adventure started. In starting a bible study, the hardest part for me was finding girls who wanted to be a part of it. I constantly prayed for thirsty girls...and to admit, being denied a handful of times was very frustrating, but that's ministry. There will always be people who just aren't interested. I think I delayed starting a bible study for an entire year because I just didn't want to be denied. I found it useless investing my time into girls who I knew wouldn't be interested...which is the wrong way to go about things. Despite my stubbornness, God is always faithful. First bible study had a total of 3 girls(including me). It was a good to see us all start opening up to each other an building community...next week there may be 2 new girls...maybe even 3? we'll see!! That's more than what I had ever imagined!
I just want to praise God for the things he has done. The opportunities he has given me to share his word and invite them into community. Lately, I've just been having small talk with a couple of people. People who I've known for 2-3 years, but never has a chance to know at a deeper level. I've never been the kind of person to start conversations about God...I've always been afraid to initiate spiritual conversations because I tend to think that people just don't want to talk about it. Well, it's kind of amazing to see that the people who I'm talking to are asking me about Christ. I've had more people telling me that they want to know more about God and be involved with Christian organizations than those who say they just aren't interested. I continue to pray for these people and hope God can use me and give me a boldness that is not my own.
With all the great things God has done in ministry, I know I also have to prepare myself for when the enemy strikes. Already I am being hit with insecurity. I know that the enemy is just trying to take me off the path. I guess since I'm extremely busy now, I don't see David as much. If we see each other everyday, it's only for a few minutes, if we don't see each other on a daily basis, then it's on the weekends- sometimes not even the weekends. I guess what I'm getting at is that I'm starting to be insecure about our relationship...that he'll fall for someone else because we haven't been spending much quality time with each other... which I shouldn't even be feeling this way because the past couple weeks have been great also. These past two weeks, it's as if I've fallen for him all over again. I constantly told him that I loved him and that I missed him, which every part of it was true. I yearned for him and wanted to make him feel loved. All of this just makes me long for the day I can officially call him my husband and be able to desire him and have it be right. I guess being busy has it's ups and downs. I'm not taking him for granted and not dependent on him every second of the day...which I know he needs his alone time and time to be with his friends. Yet, at the same time I have these lies running in my head that he doesn't need me anymore. This is something I need to defeat with truth...whatever truth is.
I just continue to pray. Pray for the people in my life and for them to know Christ for who he truly is. Also strength to fight the good fight. I also desire to know truth. I need God's wisdom and not the world's wisdom.
This semester I packed my schedule for a number of reasons- I need to catch up on credits, I have to start my business classes so I can graduate on time, also need a job and to stay busy so I'm not bored out of my mind and relying on David to be my source of fulfillment(because I was getting too attached and needy). Ultimately, I have to also stop being lazy and actually serve the Lord where he calls me to serve.
These past two weeks have been great. The moment I decided to say yes to God was when the adventure started. In starting a bible study, the hardest part for me was finding girls who wanted to be a part of it. I constantly prayed for thirsty girls...and to admit, being denied a handful of times was very frustrating, but that's ministry. There will always be people who just aren't interested. I think I delayed starting a bible study for an entire year because I just didn't want to be denied. I found it useless investing my time into girls who I knew wouldn't be interested...which is the wrong way to go about things. Despite my stubbornness, God is always faithful. First bible study had a total of 3 girls(including me). It was a good to see us all start opening up to each other an building community...next week there may be 2 new girls...maybe even 3? we'll see!! That's more than what I had ever imagined!
I just want to praise God for the things he has done. The opportunities he has given me to share his word and invite them into community. Lately, I've just been having small talk with a couple of people. People who I've known for 2-3 years, but never has a chance to know at a deeper level. I've never been the kind of person to start conversations about God...I've always been afraid to initiate spiritual conversations because I tend to think that people just don't want to talk about it. Well, it's kind of amazing to see that the people who I'm talking to are asking me about Christ. I've had more people telling me that they want to know more about God and be involved with Christian organizations than those who say they just aren't interested. I continue to pray for these people and hope God can use me and give me a boldness that is not my own.
With all the great things God has done in ministry, I know I also have to prepare myself for when the enemy strikes. Already I am being hit with insecurity. I know that the enemy is just trying to take me off the path. I guess since I'm extremely busy now, I don't see David as much. If we see each other everyday, it's only for a few minutes, if we don't see each other on a daily basis, then it's on the weekends- sometimes not even the weekends. I guess what I'm getting at is that I'm starting to be insecure about our relationship...that he'll fall for someone else because we haven't been spending much quality time with each other... which I shouldn't even be feeling this way because the past couple weeks have been great also. These past two weeks, it's as if I've fallen for him all over again. I constantly told him that I loved him and that I missed him, which every part of it was true. I yearned for him and wanted to make him feel loved. All of this just makes me long for the day I can officially call him my husband and be able to desire him and have it be right. I guess being busy has it's ups and downs. I'm not taking him for granted and not dependent on him every second of the day...which I know he needs his alone time and time to be with his friends. Yet, at the same time I have these lies running in my head that he doesn't need me anymore. This is something I need to defeat with truth...whatever truth is.
I just continue to pray. Pray for the people in my life and for them to know Christ for who he truly is. Also strength to fight the good fight. I also desire to know truth. I need God's wisdom and not the world's wisdom.
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