life goals

It just hit me... i have two years left of college! This is making me think about what i want to do in life. I realized that can never get a job... this is the pattern of my life...so instead of being stressed out about being rejected for jobs, i've decided to that i can be my own boss.. i can start my own business with the skills and talents that God has given me. I hope from my business classes i can have a business mind. I hope i don't become greedy like all businessmen tho. I still want God to be the one who gets the glory in the end. I also hope God will make my business grow, so i can not only have enough for myself, but i can have enough to help others. I hope i can donate to non profit organizations that seek to bring the Gospel to all nations. I also hope i can travel and see the world outside my comfortable life in Oklahoma. This is my intention of starting a business, that people will delight in what i have to offer them so i can have enough to help others for His kingdom.

I really hope i can teach private lessons. It's so hard getting students. there's only a 4 hour gap that i can teach and the only barrier is that people are not willing to pay because it's just a "hobby." So it's usually something that gets cut first in people's list priorities. But the reason why i want to teach is because i want to show kids how to worship God, and not for men. When people are good at music, they tend to be prideful and like to show off...examples would be guys who play guitar to attract girls, or people bringing their guitars to school and play in the halls...those people are only doing that to show off because there's no need to bring a guitar to school if you aren't taking lessons. I use to be prideful in this area too. i was considered the best in my middle school and the 2 high schools i went to, so the more i succeeded, the more my pride grew. There was a point when i was so prideful that i couldn't imagine what life would be like if God took away this talent. If God took it away completely, I wouldn't have anything left...Luckily, God has opened my eyes and has cast down my idols.

When i'm not teaching, i hope to be sewing! There is an indescribable joy when i start sewing. Just knowing that our Creator was a billion times more excited when he created us makes me grow closer to him. To see the work of his hands is breathtaking. Its hard for us to come up with our own color combinations because it is all found in nature... Humans can only repeat what He has already created. I hope to carry this into my business... to showcase is glory. I think i'll start out selling online...having my own etsy page, or website, and if that is successful, then i can start a business. I hope to sell higher end materials and my own creations, plus i also hope to sell needlework from women in other countries because a few dollars from here will help them for a few weeks or months.

Also, i don't know if this will be too much to handle, but i would like to start my own wedding venue/event center. affordable ballrooms are not easy to come by..maybe because they're ballrooms! ha. i don't know how much it'll all cost tho. I'll probably have to take out a huge loan to make it happen. I'm not a risky person... but people will never stop getting married and having big events, so there's a chance it could work. I could have a venue with different size rooms so people who have a certain amount of guests can pick a room that most suites their guest size. I'm also obsessed with glass chapels. i could have a room that looks like that. I can also have a garden that people can take pictures in! It'll have all the works! I think it's funny how i'm getting excited thinking about this. When i first had this idea, i was thinking i could make a package deal where my mom can make wedding cakes for a wedding, but i wont be living in tulsa my entire life, so i don't know how that'd work. nonetheless, i am still very excited. This idea also depends on location. It'll need to be in between several towns/cities, so it can appeal to surrounding areas, and also depends if there's a lot of venues in the area.

So here it is! If you want to know what i want to do in life, these are my plans. I have a lot of options so i hope God will let them happen! future planning is fun :)

little brother

I think it's just one of those months where I am extremely sensitive and emotional, but lately I've been spending a lot of time with my siblings, especially Ben, who just turned 9...and for some reason, my heart just starts to warm up when I see that he is growing up, yet he is still a kid. I guess from the outside, he seems likes he's tough, and doesn't care about anything you say to him, but when you really look at him, and observe him, you start to see the little, vulnerable kid again. I think the tough exterior is from a lot of teasing from all of us siblings (because that's what siblings do..which is unintentional), and maybe some teasing/ bullying that he gets from school...which breaks my heart to even think about. Sometimes Angela, my sister, says that he comes home angry... even about to cry. I've had my fair share of crying from school. kids are just mean to each other... This is how bad we need Jesus in our lives.

We are not born good, that's why teachers make it a big deal to teach kids respect when they enter preschool/kindergarden, but then the meanness still escalates, so now we're trying to inform middle middle schools and high schools on bullying...but the efforts never work. Sometimes I think about being one of those people who speak at schools about sex, or bullying...but I don't know if kids would even take my word on things, or give me the respect to listen to what I have to say... kids really don't see how important it is to know that the things they do and say to their peers will effect them in the future.

I think this is the nurturing side of me that's coming out. When I become a mother, I don't ever want to see my kids go through these things. Right now I really want to protect Ben. I hate knowing that he dreads going to school and the reason may be because he's being teased, or it's just hard to make friends. I think kids at this age get embarrassed easily, they just want to fit in. I also think that's why Ben has a tough exterior...he want's to be able to fit in and not be made fun of by his individuality. During these past 3 weeks with him, I have really seen him be a kid, he still sleeps with stuffed animals, and he has his favorites, which i think is adorable. He also has a game that includes bunnies! and when my sister and I are in the living room, doing our own thing, sometimes I catch him running around the house, pretending he's fighting someone as he makes fighting sounds. He's still a kid, completely innocent, and vulnerable...I want to protect that.

praise and prayer

Today the Big Brother Big Sister program called me!! I applied with them in the beginning of the summer and I've been waiting for some info, so now I'm really excited to know my little sister! I just can't wait to do God's work. I love all the opportunities that he's given me. For the summer, I originally wanted to work, but God has totally given me something that will glorify Him even more. I love that I have the chance to be involved at my church here in Tulsa, especially with VBS! Since I'm always at OU, I never had a chance to serve in my home church, but it's ok, because God has given me opportunities at Wildwood also! I just can't wait for this fall semester to start! I can't wait to see what God has planned and what people he'll bring into my life. I pray that he'll keep me going when it gets tough, because ministry is hard. I want to persevere through and keep my ground when it seems like the world is pressuring me. I pray that I stay consistent in reading my bible everyday. I want His word to be fresh in my mind and ready on my lips. I pray that God will cultivate my spiritual gifts and use me for his kingdom. I want to fall in love with him more and more.

random thoughts

i recently gave a friend advice that when she liked a guy, she had to observe how he handled bad situations. How he handles bad situations is how he's going to always handle them. If he always has a bad temper, never initiates, or jumps to conclusion, most likely, he's going to be like that when you're in a relationship with him... Sometimes i wish i took my own advice.

i've never seen my parents argue. i hope when i have kids i can hide it as well as my parents do.

my dad told me that when you like a guy, you have to test him. an important way to test him is to see if he's willing to spend money on you. If he's stingy with his money, that means in marriage it's going to be "my money" or "your money" not OUR money. Also i heard in a sermon once that Jesus talked a lot about money to get the point across that what you spend your money on is where your heart is. So if you spend all your money on gambling and not on providing for your family, your heart belongs to gambling... i need to listen to my dad and Jesus more.

for once i'd like to know what it feels like to be pursued. i'm tired of being the one chasing and initiating.

i feel like when i go through pms, it's easy for Satan to mess with my head...since im already emotional and needy, simple misunderstandings can turn into a fight...i think it's the same for every girl.

there are more women involved in the church than men. i desperately pray that God can bring men to be leaders, in the church and in the family. it's so rare to find a man. 99% of them are still boys.

the thought of marriage makes me cringe. i don't know why i've been hating on marriage so much. when i think of it, i just don't want it... i think i'm trying to convince myself that i don't want it because... i don't know. it just hurts too much.

i took a long nap today, so now i wish i was tired. kinda just feel like crying. i've been feeling like this all day.

i guess that's enough for tonight.

all who are weary

I love how our God just takes us as we are. No checklist to earn his love, no begging to experience his mercy, and no chores or acts of community service to be close to Him. At the end of the day, I just want to rest in Him. Many religions today have so many rules- need to do this, need to think that. Secular culture says we can have it all, it's just a matter of believing in yourself and willpower.

Recently I went on a facebook page of an old high school friend, and I saw on the page that there was a link called "Joy of Satan." Out of curiosity I went to that website and read the origins and what they believed to be "truth." It said that originally Satan was the creator of everything and the proof was found in ancient cultures where the serpent was a strong symbol. Since proof of the serpent, which represents Satan, was in these early cultures, that proved that Satan existed long before Christianity, which they said that Christianity started when Moses received the 10 commandments. Satanism also claims that they do not promote evil, death and sacrificing, but encourage the power of the mind and soul through meditation. They also like to think logically and say that everything has a scientific explanation. Yes, I understand their historical proof, their promotion of being a gentle religion, and the benefits of meditation and science to reach a higher level of transformation, but there are things we have to consider...

First, many early cultures and religions were man made. Man took what he knew and tried to make sense of it. If only the sky could bring rain to water the crops, then yeah, it's easy to make the sky a god. If snakes had characteristics of being mysterious, threatening, and/or powerful, I can see why someone would idolize its characteristics and its ability to kill and make that a god. If you believe that man has fallen into sin, then yes, it makes sense that a man made religion is satanic in nature. God is the one who paves the way to what is true. He calls us to not put our hopes and beliefs in "things" because idols do not provide. He has given us a mind, but it shouldn't be key to all things-it has its limitations. He has also sent Jesus to die in our place because we can't save ourselves. Man is in constant sin, so he can not change the condition of his heart through being a "nice guy" or meditating... it goes deeper than that.

I understand that every religion wants others to understand that they're all about peace and gentleness, but doesn't the heart yearn for more? Doesn't the heart cry out for justice, love, and mercy? When I'm in my deepest moment of weakness, I don't think I can meditate out of it, or do chores to redeem myself... I just need to rest. I don't mean rest as in sleep my way through things or pretend like it's not happening, I mean I need comfort. God says, "come to me all who are weary, and I will give you rest." When you feel like your on your last thread, God doesn't call you to do more, instead, he just calls you to rest in Him. That's what we need at the end of it all. Some people say that you cant depend on anything besides yourself...which is true to an extent, you shouldn't rely or depend on people because people don't know what your thinking, they aren't right next to you at all times to comfort you, and they don't fully understand what you're going through. Yet, you can fully depend on God because he's everywhere, knows everything, and he know your heart.

For God to be God, he has to have all of these characteristics. Even science has it's limitations. Science cant even measure outer space, and don't you think for God to be God, he has to be bigger than space? I love God because he is a powerful, loving, and just God. He calls us to him and wants us just as we are. No masks, no chores, no begging. Just be still and know that he is God.

behind a woman's insecurity

Many guys don't understand how much it hurts when they joke or even mention about a woman's weight. I know men don't see the reason why women make such a big deal about it, but weight for a woman goes beyond having a nice body. The media sets unreasonable standards of how a woman should look like, and it has given a false answer to what all women thirst for. Inside every women there is a deep longing to be desired. I think this is the reason why there are so many girls who can't go a couple days without having a boyfriend, or how girls also go through extreme dieting hoping someone would notice. The word "desired," now has a sexual connotation, and I don't mean women yearn to be looked at sexually, that's just how our culture has made it become. In Staci Eldridge's book, Captivating, she mentions that the question in every girls' heart is, "am I lovely?"...This phrase is what I mean when I say "desire."

I remember in high school, there were these two guys that sat next to me in class and they were talking about how there are girls who are pretty, and those who are "hot." Before then, I honesty didn't know there was a difference between the two. So now it wasn't enough to be pretty, but you have to be "hot" because men desire the women who are "hot." The definition of a "hot" woman is that she is desired sexually, and I also believe that most women don't feel they are desired until they've had sex or until they know that a man is lusting over her. We think that fastest way to get that fix, is striving for a body that resembles Megan Fox in her lingerie photo shoots. Sometimes I find myself doing just that. I would go online looking for pictures of women so it would motivate me to start working out, or, sometimes I wouldn't have a reason at all... I would just find myself doing it. I think if a man were to look for pictures of other men, he would be considered gay, but as a woman looking for pictures of other women, I realized that the only sentence running through my head is, "I just want to be desired."

I think sexuality is the only thing that counts in terms of being desired for women now. Women hate hearing things about inner beauty and uniqueness because it's just a nice way of saying, "you're not beautiful enough." In my entire teenage life, I never had a guy like me until I was seventeen. All the years before then, I had convinced myself that I wasn't the type of girl that guys go for. When I moved to Oklahoma, almost all at once, there were a number of guys who have shown interest in me. I knew I didn't want a relationship, but I held on to them because I liked the attention...I liked knowing that someone found me desirable because I had never experienced it before. I remember on multiple occasions, all I could think about was being thin. Just for the reason of fitting into shirts that would show my body. I remember wishing I had the will to be anorexic because it seemed so ideal for my situation. I even went as far as printing out a page I found online about what to do to become anorexic, like eating ice cubes when you're hungry and doing so many numbers of sit-ups a day...These kind of things never lasted though. They were just dreams I wished came true. Sometimes these thoughts would come back, but I can identify that they are words from the enemy, and I start to feel God pulling me closer to Him... As the enemy speaks, he is drowned out by God's voice...and all I can hear is, " I love you just the way you are."

I believe God has placed a desire in every woman's heart. Our culture just says that having the perfect body is the answer, and the outcome has to be sex. This yearning is one that can only be filled by God. Many people don't believe this to be true. There are women in the secular world who have tried to fix this issue by encouraging women to embrace their bodies by gaining confidence, but confidence can easily lead to pride. There are some women who have become conceited because they love their bodies too much. When I tell people that they need to let God be the one to fill them, they don't know what I mean by that. Truthfully, for a while, I didn't even know what it meant to be lead by Christ. I think there are things that can be explained, like what steps to take, but I also believe it's a personal experience between you and God that you'll understand when it happens.

Everyday this week, I've been going to the gym... I decided to take my measurements and make goals for my ideal body type. I searched for ideal waist measurements for my height, and an article on the internet said I should be 24 inches. I know that I my waist will never be 24 inches, and I am happy I will never be that thin! I still want a body! As I looked at my measurements and started writing down my ideal measurements, I realized that I didn't want to change my measurements at all! I would ask myself, "how many inches do I want to be," but the only thing I could say was...I don't really care. I think this is the evidence of God just stepping in and totally renewing my mind. I think body image will still be on every woman's mind because women are always comparing themselves to each other. Yet, I don't think a woman will criticize her body when God is the one telling her she is lovely. In Him we are made complete.

blessed beyond measure

The other night as I was online talking to my cousin Pang, I was suddenly consumed with joy! I was asking her some questions that I had about certain passages in the Bible, and I was just happy to know that God has put so many people in my life that I can walk beside and can lead me closer to Him. I'm thankful for my older cousins who strive for Christ and all the girls in the Wildwood small group, my discipler, and also the girls who will be a part of my bible study that I'm starting up in the fall semester. God has truly provided and it's a breath of fresh air to be in community. I am also glad that God has put a guy in my life that also seeks His heart. We have the same convictions and same theology...it's great to know that we can walk side by side spiritually. There are a lot of guys who say they're Christian, but not many of them actually know what they believe and what it's like to be lead by Christ. I hope I can also reach out to the people that God has placed in my life in the past- friends from high school and people I've seen all the time, but never had the guts to talk to. I want to invest myself in people. I want to do God's work. The harvest is plentiful, but the workers are few. With everything that God has blessed me with, why wouldn't I want to do his work? Why would I contain this joy? ...All I can do it praise Him and stand in awe of his goodness, grace, and power.