The Past Month.

Lately things have been good. God has really given me a vision for my life and I go through my days with excitement for life after college... Yet, at the end of the day, I can not deny this feeling that weighs on my heart. It's not loneliness... I guess it's just the desire that God has placed in almost every woman's heart. I like to joke to myself and say that it's because I'm "getting old." I want to cook dinner and have a husband there to enjoy it with. I want to do laundry and fold clothes that are not my own. I want to be next to that person that knows me inside and out...

Lord, you know the desires of my heart.

Sometimes I just wonder if David still thinks about us. If he's even concerned about preparing a life for us in the future. I'm foolish for thinking these things. It's just safer to assume that he's no longer interested. It's only been a few months, but it is to the point where the thought of getting back together is hard to imagine. No doubt, I wish we were, but thinking about it actually happening is starting to become a weird thought. I guess the reason is because there is no relationship. If we're friends, the friendship isn't growing... I need to stop thinking about this.

I'm just ready to settle down... I love the thought of starting a family... I can't wait to have kids. I can't wait for the day where the kids will come running into my room on a Saturday morning and wake me up with laughter and silly jokes... I just want to love. The kind of love that's deeper than "having lunch with a friend."

like I said, Lord, you know the desires of my heart.

Desires of my Heart.

A few nights ago I had a dream... it was my wedding day. This is actually a reoccurring dream. Usually what happens is that the entire day would be so hectic and stressful that I wanted out. I didn't want a wedding anymore. But unlike the other dreams, this dream included the ceremony. Everything was horrible. The bridesmaids walked down the aisle too fast, my dress was basically my blanket, and I even messed up the kiss... but surprisingly, I didn't care. I didn't care about the mistakes, the decorations, or what I was wearing. All I could see was my husband staring back at me and how I couldn't wait to spend the rest of my life with him...for the first time my husband had a face... I long to have that face stare back at me in delight and joy again... too bad I had to wake up.