Recap of 2011

2011 was an interesting year for me. It definitely was a year where the Lord began to transform my heart and open my eyes in a radical way. I don't usually sit down and blog so my way of recording my life in through my planner. I usually write down every little thing I do so when I look back (and wonder where did all the time go), I can see exactly how I spent my time. As I flip through my planner, there are things I totally forgot about and there are little things I recorded where I remember exactly how I felt at that moment. Bear with me when I write out little events that seem like they don't really matter. I'm just trying to process my year/see how the Lord changed my heart day by day.

January 1- During winter break, I went home to Tulsa. I remember I got in an argument with my parents on new years eve and drove to Norman. I think I was angry that we never spent time as a family anymore. I remember writing my mom a long text explaining why I left. All I remember saying is saying that I wanted to surround myself with people who actually cared about me and wanted to build me up in my walk with God (? What was I thinking!). David was also going to Norman that night because Winter Conference was that week, so I told him to wait for me so I could follow behind him. Although I wanted to spend time with David, it didn't work out that way because he had to leave. With 3 weeks of break left, and alone in Norman, my heart was anxious. David was only leaving for a few days, but all I could think about was, "What in the world am I going to do without David?" I believe I spent the entire break watching all 5 seasons of "Say Yes to the Dress" on Netflix.

On New Years day, I was feeling lonely. I was on Facebook and Greg Wilson started to facebook chat with me. I told him I was bored and he invited me to go to Starbucks where he, his sister, her fiance, and a friend were hanging out. I felt a little weird hanging out with people I didn't know, but I was desperate to get out. It was an enjoyable time. Greg's sister and fiance were finding the perfect font for their wedding invitations. It was pretty intense.

January 13- Went to meet the advisor at Price and found out I made it into the Entrepreneurship program. I also went to the health department and got my food handler's permit.

January 14- David and I went to Anthology. I'm going to admit it. I was really attached to David. The reason why I decided to go last minute was because I wanted to be with him and that I didn't want to spend another 3-4 days by myself... Although I knew he would rather spend most of his time with his friends rather than with me. Something weird was going on inside my heart at this time. I was faced with the fear of being alone- not a fear for being along for the rest of my life, but for the current moment. Overall it went well.

January 17- Sushi Buffet with David. It was a wonderful day.... and painful.

January 23- Met up with Grace Kim and talked about biblical community. She told me her desire to be in a bible study, and she went a few times over the course of the semester. I feel horrible for not keeping in touch with her. She reached out to me and I feel like I failed.

January 26- My 21st Birthday. David took me to Cheesecake Factory and I legally had my first martini... I believe it was asian pear.

February 6- Super Bowl Party at Carol's. I wasn't really into football, so I just did my homework in Carol's room. This was the first time I realized I was starting to become more motivated with school.

February 13- Went to Red Lobster with David. It was my first time there! David and I also made a list of life goals together.

February 17- I had lunch with Jennifer Peck at Tea Cafe and talked about what it looked like start a private flute studio. Every time I talk to her, she always says something that permanently sticks to my head. Some quotes I remember are, "Always teach excellence (on utilizing your full potential as a musician)" and "If God has given you a gift, he will remain faithful (on my insecurities as a musician)."

February 18- Two year anniversary with David. David took me to Spaghetti Warehouse and took me to lake Hefner, sang me a song, and gave me a promise ring. It was suppose to be the night he was going to propose. The time leading up to that day, I was ok with him not proposing. I recognized my idolatry with marriage and stopped becoming so obsessed. I remember telling my bible study girls that I was completely at peace with David not proposing. Yet, I remember feeling really weird that night. I don't know what it was exactly, but I was uncomfortable... there was a heaviness in my heart.

February 23- AASA Live Music Night. David and I prepared "The Way I am," "Droplets," and "Terrified." I was surprised when a whole crowd of ppl came and sat through the entire set mesmerized. I could tell the entire room was focused on the music. To this day I still don't know why people think I'm good at singing/ music in general. I'm just okay. I loved the response though. I love seeing that look on a person's face when they've just heard music that leaves them dumbfounded. Still can't believe I contributed to that.

March 6- Sarah's Bridal Shower. By this time, the sin in my life was building up to the point where my soul couldn't bear the weight. I remember staring at everyone and seeing the excitement and sense of wonder in the room.... the innocence. Could this innocence be possible with me when it's my turn? Where sex was still a wonder, a mystery.... After the shower, I sat in my car and cried.

March 10- D-time with Anna. I remember this meeting with Anna because it was soon after Sarah's Shower. I told Anna how worthless I felt. How I longed for my own wedding night to be special. How is wished the innocence was restored. I cried so hard in that moment. I couldn't speak. I felt so far beyond forgiveness, beyond God's grace. Satan took every opportunity to keep me down. Anna told me,"It doesn't matter whether it's your first time having sex, or if you've done it a million times before, you're still celebrating something on your wedding night- and that's not a cop-out answer." This was one of the best discipleship moments I've ever had. Satan takes, but the Lord rescues, redeems, and restores.

March 27- David and I broke up. The sin in our lives go to the point where it had to be put to death. Neither of us wanted to break up, but a month before the break up happened, I was crying almost everyday non-stop from the sin in our relationship. To this day I can say that although the break up was hard, I cried more while I was in the relationship than when I got out. It wasn't because of how David treated me, it was because of sin. We could have tried to make it work out, but the Lord would not allow it.

April 5- Lunch with Courtney. I've always been fascinated with the insights Courtney has on the Lord and His word. Our dating situation was (still is) very similar, which is crazy.

June 14- A really bad storm hit Norman and the carpet in my room got flooded. I couldn't go home to Tulsa because I was taking summer classes at OCCC.

June 19- Crashed at Anna's. I got off work and asked Anna if I could spend the night because my room started to smell of mold from my flooded carpet. Maintenance took their sweet time taking care of it. After work I needed some time to waste because Anna wouldn't be home until 7:30pm. I got taco bell and went into a parking lot to eat. I remember being really lonely. I decided to call my dad because it was father's day... He didn't answer. Glad he didn't because while the phone was ringing, I already started crying (it was a combination of my apartment being inhabitable, realizing my dependency on David, and recovering from the hurtful phone calls from David's brother-in-law).

June 20- Started working out for Lizzy's wedding. Since I was currently homeless, I would try to find ways to waste time. I was crashing at Carol's place but she wouldn't be home until 7:30pm.

July 7- Stomach Virus!! started Thursday morning and I drove all the way to OCCC to go to class! It was the worst drive of my life. I drove back to Tulsa because I wanted to babysit Ezra, plus I didn't want to be at my apartment (still smelled like mold).

July 29- Family drove to Tennessee for a family reunion. Also where Sala would come back and live with us. Thankfully my class ended so I was in Tulsa for a while.

August 9-20- Left for Milwaukee. The two weeks of my life I was looking forward to the most. Had some one-on-one chats with Lizzy and cried every single time. Definitely had some worth issues. If the Lord wanted David and I to split permanently, I couldn't imagine why another man would want to be with me. Lizzy told me that I had to also forgive myself... which is something I totally forgot to do.

August 24- school started up again and I went to Cru that night and saw David for the first time in 2 1/2 months (it was the longest time we've been without each other). First time I saw him, I felt like I was seeing an old friend again. No bitterness, no love-y emotions flooding back, just peace. But it wasn't mutual with David, he was avoiding me and it really hurt/ confused me.

August 21- Things start to get scary. I had another guy pursuing me for marriage and I had a hard time deciding what to do. I had someone who seriously wanted to marry me, but I wanted to be with David. Yet, David was avoiding me and wasn't the one pursuing me so I couldn't act like he was an option. For 2 weeks, I was so stressed that I couldn't even pray when I tried. My prayers would consist of three words, "Lord, my heart..." Later on it got easier to see where the Lord was leading me. My "suitor" and I didn't align with the same convictions.

August 26- Leadership retreat.

September 3- I started working on Saturday nights. At first I thought it was the worst shift ever, but I learned to like it. One night the chef asked me whether or not I liked my Saturday night shifts. I joked that it helped soothe those lonely nights. We both laughed about it, but that was the reason why I liked working. At least I wasn't alone in my room, remembering and crying about my past.

September 8- David and I met up to talk. It was right before he was going to leave for San Francisco. I brought up topics from our past because I kinda forgot why we broke up in the first place. It didn't end too well. I was left feeling extremely confused and unsettled. I didn't realize it then, but I was probably trying to control our situation. I was hoping that maybe after we talked, David would realize marriage was the right thing to do at that moment. Obviously I failed. That night I surrendered my control. We later talked it out and cleared the air before he left. Two days later he meet up with me at the Huff and said good-bye to me.

September 13- Still feeling a heaviness in my heart with my last in-person conversation with David. I had no idea what God was doing. Before studio, Jennifer Peck asked me how I was doing. I told her my situation and what was going on inside my heart. Once again she spoke truth in my life and it impacted me so much, I wrote them down on bright pink sticky notes to put in my planner so I wouldn't forget. She said three things:
1.Just because God says "no" now, don't take it as denial. There is an appointed time for everything under heaven
2. God can change a person faster than you can
3. God cares about your marriage more than you do.

September 20- After Dark. I don't usually go out, but for once I wanted to do what college kids do.

October 5- Phil Wickham!One of the best worship experiences ever.

October 9- Passages Bible Exhibition. It was a really rainy day this day, but it was a great date with myself. Around this time I started to enjoy spending time by myself.

October 14- Fall Retreat. I hate Retreats. Long nights, early mornings, and always hungry. But I went because I'd rather look back and know that I spent my time wisely.

October 22- Lilia's Funeral. God opened my eyes to what it means to live a full life. Whether I live for one more day or whether I live for 60 more years, in the end, my life on earth is complete because I get Him. That was also the night I had some questions that still weren't answered and I texted David. He called me later on at 11pm and we talked until 3am. I enjoyed it, but noticed it was extremely weird for us to be talking that long and that late.

October 31- Initiated a talk with David on his intentions for talking to me so much lately. He told me he would like to start pursuing me again for the possibility of marriage in the near future. I spent almost 5 months trying to accept the fact that I may never have a chance with him ever again, so switching to the possibility of marrying him soon was something I had to think about. It's crazy because I was at the point where I finally accepted the possibility of me being single for the next 5 years. I told the Lord, "Lord, if your plan for me is to be single for 2-5 more years and that looks like me living in Tulsa with my parents, then so be it." I had to plan for my life after college because graduation was just around the block. I was going to open a bakery/cafe for my mom and I. I guess the Lord had other things in mind. The next day I told David he could pursue me. :)

November 5- my first earthquake! A small fraction of God's great power.

December 2- my Senior Recital! The entire semester leading up to my recital, I was freaking out. I was so insecure in my abilities as a musician, but I pulled through! I can't believe I did it. So many people I knew came, I felt really loved. Bible study girls, my family, and College life family. Thank God for good friends!

December 25- Christmas program at church

December 31- New years eve party at my place. Hung out with Kou, Mary, and Tim. Went to a nerdy card store and felt lame! :P

Major things God revealed to me this year:
- Once we belong to Him, He will never let us go
- In our darkest hour, he meets us there. Those are the nights we are held.
- At the end of it all, life is made complete because we get Him. Nothing else.
- Through the blood of Christ, I am pure, washed clean.(finally believed it in my heart)
- God is glorified when I do not remain in shame.
- God's perfect timing is obvious. Everything starts falling into place without my efforts.
- God is sovereign.(even when I step in and mess everything up)
- All we have to do is surrender.
- God is faithful. Always. He hasn't failed me yet.