inner battles

I've spent the past year and a half obsessing over marriage. I would think about it every single day and wonder about my wedding. It was so extreme, it would be the only thing I wanted to talk about when I talked to David. A year and a half of this. Over winter break God convicted me of my obsession with marriage. I was so consumed with my earthly wedding that I didn't even look forward or care about the day when Jesus comes for His bride. The vision of my life stopped at my wedding, I can't imagine how disappointed I would have been when my wedding ended and had nothing else to look forward to.

These past few weeks I've stopped thinking about marriage. Instead, I've been focusing on having a kingdom vision. It was really hard at first because there was a day when my day was filled with me overhearing people talk about marriage as I walked to my classes. I was extremely sensitive to the words: engaged, wedding, ring, and married. I wanted to get married so bad because I thought it would end my struggles with physicalness and that it was the only way to make things right. Some things I still can't understand, but I'm trusting God for those things.

Although I'm doing well in this area, there's another thing that has sprung up. Friday was David and my 2 year anniversary. It was the original date he was going to propose to me. Things just come up and plans change. Since I stopped thinking about marriage, I was fine with not being engaged. I praise God he took away such an unhealthy obsession so quickly! But the problem now isn't wondering about when I'm going to be engaged, but how can I put off marriage. It's pretty confusing. How could I desire something so badly that I don't want it anymore? For our 2 year, David sang me a song he wrote, which was really sweet of him, but I remember my mind started to freak out when he sang lyrics that sounded like marriage vows. Suddenly everything started to seem real when he gave me a promise ring. Isn't this what I wanted? Wasn't this the direction I nagged him to go in for a year and a half?! Now, i'm just... terrified.

I think I'm feeling this way because these past few weeks, I've been wanting to accomplish things in my season of singleness before I get married. I'm wanting to do things by myself instead of "settling down." I can see this manifesting to something unhealthy too. I've been praying that God would help me embrace my singleness, but not make me oppose marriage if it comes earlier than I want. It's all a delicate balance. In His perfect timing it will all fall into place. I'm just nervous to see how it's all going to work out, especially with my parents. Marriage is not only two people who love each other, it's a union between families. That's also another thing that makes my heart break. I want my parent's approval. Not just that, I want them to embrace this relationship I'm in and be genuinely happy about it. I want them to be involved and have their guidance, but it just seems so awkward now.

I trust God. I'm not putting my trust in Him making things happen how I want them to. I trust that he will make things happen for His glory and in His perfect timing it will be known and understood the things He's done. I have to protect my heart. Since David is not my husband, I shouldn't assume he already is. Lord, I trust you. All of this is beyond my control.