Scared.

The Lord is good. He has never failed me yet...but times like these, I can't help but be overwhelmed and fall to my knees. For the past 2 months, I've been very cautious to not think and obsess about things that aren't happening. When real situations actually arise, I will then reflect and deal with them... The Lord has been good with healing me... I can seriously say that I have about a good year worth of healing in 2 months. Emotions I expected to feel never happened, feelings others expected me to struggle with was not a struggle for me. This healing process has been a very unique process that can only be from God himself.

Throughout the summer, certain thoughts would come into my mind. What would I do/think if David pursued me again? Would I be ready for marriage if all of a sudden a Godly man pursued me? Am I ready to be in a relationship anytime soon? All these thoughts I suppressed because these things weren't even happening... Well, I am forced to think of these things now because some of these questions are starting to become real. Honestly these past 4-5 days have been extremely stressful. I am scared. I do not know what to think. All I can say is that I trust God and his plan.

On one side, I have David, the man who I dreamed of marrying for the past two years. I wish he would believe me when I say that I don't care if he is jobless. I've seen him struggle for the past year and a half, trying to get a job... and all I want to do is stand beside him and encourage him. I want to tell him that I'm still here and that I believe in him and that he can do great things for the Kingdom of the Lord... but as a girlfriend, this level of encouragement is not my role yet- it is the role of a wife. This is one of the reasons why I wished we would have gotten married. As a wife, I would have loved to walk beside him and encourage him in his struggles. At the end of the day, I desired to just hold him and delight in his presence. In his darkest days, I wish I could be there to comfort him and take care of him. I so badly want to do all these things for him...but somehow, I'm still not his wife...although it was planned so many times before... He is clouded with the lie that he has to have it all together- He has to be better, be a somebody, be more of a man... but he does not hear me cry out that he is enough. DAVID, YOU ARE ENOUGH. Please, stop striving and just rest in the Lord... As each day goes by I feel like this hope that I have of us ending up together is slowly dying away. He is starting to close himself out and I can't reach him. I can't read him. I don't even know if he still wants to be with me. For all I know, he may have changed his mind. If he moves to San Fransisco, he could very easily find someone else and be happy to leave the stress of his past behind... It breaks my heart to think that I may simply remain his past... This is something I can't let go of. I can handle no dating, no talking, no one-on-one time, but I can not handle the thought of us not ending up together. The thought of him being with someone else makes me sick to my stomach. Oh God, help me. This is all becoming too real.

On the other side, there's Cheng. A man who is already well-known by my relatives and is ready for marriage. I've told him that it's not fair to him for us talk every night when I'm constantly thinking of someone else...yet he remains persistent... I feel horrible that I can not give him the answers he wants to hear... He wants to hear that I like him too, that I am ready to marriage, that I consider us to be "talking"...but I do not feel that these things are appropriate at this time...the last thing I want to do is break his heart. I've been telling him to protect his heart because he has no idea what is going to happen. It's just stressful because Cheng is the one pursuing me, when I so badly want it to be David.

I can not make myself "wait" for David because like I said previously, he can change his mind about me at any time... so I would need to protect my heart against all possible situations. With all these things happening, there's still a voice inside me of me saying, "David, hurry up, please, it's happening." I cry out expecting him to come...to rescue, and protect me from this situation...But no matter how much I'm screaming inside, I can't control anything. I can't persuade him, I can't persuade God... Lord, I'm so scared.